Clockwork

sixteen.

POV: Erik Carter

POTS. My brother has POTS. I watched as he went up the stairs, barely flinching at a hand placed on my shoulder.

"You okay?" I turned to see Lexi looking at me sympathetically.

I nodded, almost robotically, then sighed when she raised an eyebrow, letting my shoulders drop. "I... I don't know?"

She sent me a soft smile and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the couch. I sat down, instinctively leaning into her.

"You know, it's okay to *click, whistle* be upset over this whole thing. No one *click* expects you to smile all day every day." She wrapped an arm around me and squeezed. "You'll be okay, though. And so will he."

I nodded against her and closed my eyes. "I know."

Spencer has been through so much for his age. He's bound to be traumatized at this point, and he definitely doesn't need an incurable disability as well. The doctor said it was possible for him to grow out of it, but he might deal with this for the rest of his life. And that in itself would be awful. I feel so bad for him, especially knowing there's nothing I can do about it.

"I know." I whispered.

×

I opened my eyes to find that I was still on the couch, almost curled up against Lexi. I quickly sat up, pushing myself off of the white fabric, and staggered to the kitchen.

I pulled a protein bar out of the snack drawer and ripped it open, then took a bite. It didn't taste like anything. I quickly finished it, throwing away the plastic wrapper subconsciously.

Placing both of my hands on the counter, I took a step back so my weight was distributed between the floor and counter a little bit more evenly. I let out a shaky sigh and opened my eyes- which I didn't know I'd closed.

I stood up and ran my hands through my hair, pacing a few times in our unnecessarily large kitchen before leaning my elbows on the counter in the same spot before, my head in my arms.

tw: mentions of sh
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I looked up, expecting to see an empty counter, but instead my lighter was sitting there. My breath hitched, and I bit my lip to prevent it from trembling.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't-

I grabbed it, lifting my sleeve to reveal my scarred shoulder. I flicked the trigger a few times on the lighter before it lit, then lifted it towards my shoulder. The flame was about to touch when a voice beside me caused me to drop the lighter on the floor, breaking it.

"What are you doing?" I spun towards the sound, faced with a panicked Lexi.

"N-nothing! I'm just, uh, lighting a candle..." Even I knew my excuse was pathetic, as I stuttered and yanked down my sleeve.

"Okay... why was the lighter *click* by your arm then?" She took a step towards me, I took one backwards.

"Uh... I was..." My voice trailed off as I continued to walk backwards into the fridge, where I paused.

"Erik..." Lexi knelt down, picking up the bits of broken lighter off of the floor. "What were you doing?"

I knew she already knew. She wasn't trying to hide it. She was trying to see if I'd admit it. Which I wouldn't. I don't need to show weakness. "I, um... I already told you, I was lighting a candle."

Lexi stood up from the floor and walked towards me, carefully grabbing my hand in her free one. She looked at me for a few seconds, her blue eyes flicking between my own brown ones, before taking a step back. "Where's your trash can?"

I let out a silent breath I didn't know I was holding, and pulled open a tall drawer that held our trash can. "Here."

She nodded, clicked, then dropped the broken pieces into the bin. "Do you have any more?" She asked me, turning back to face me after carefully dusting off her hands. I opened my mouth to respond.

I wanted to lie. To say no. Because I couldn't lose my only sense of relief that I got nowadays. The pain helped. But something about the cool blue that laid in her eyes, the way she carefully held my hand as she asked, and concern was painted clearly over her features... I didn't think I could.

A tear dripped from my eye, and I was jolted from my silence. I quickly wiped it away, using the hand that she was holding, just to see if she'd grab it again when I dropped it back. She did. "Um," I cleared my throat. I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie. But I couldn't say 'yes' either. So I nodded. Just barely, but she saw it.

And the gentle whisper that escaped her lips as she grabbed my other hand as well almost made me break down on the spot. But I didn't, because I'm not a wimp. "Where?"

×

My head laid in Lexi's lap, her fingers combing through my hair.

She had thrown out all of my lighters, then taken out the trash, and we were now on the couch, with National Geographic playing on the TV.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, not moving my gaze from the screen.

"You have nothing to *whistle* be sorry for, Erik. It's not your fault." She responded without missing a beat.

I closed my eyes and focused on the way she separated my curls and twirled them in her hands. The way she breathed, and barely made any sound. But if she did, the gentle hum of her voice could put me to sleep in an instant.

This whole situation felt like something out of a Wattpad novel, because she already felt more familiar to me than my parents, and I've only known her for not even a week.

And of course my life falls apart when she's over. Of course she finds out about my bad habits. Of course she knows exactly how to comfort me, without even asking.

I felt her stop running her hand through my hair, and I turned my head to face her. She looked at her watch, then back at me.

"I'm gonna make something for Spencer, for *click, head jerk* when he gets up. It's almost eleven, and I'm sure he'll be hungry. You should *whistle* stay here, and I'll go up and check on him in a second, yeah?" I could pick up traces of careful sincerity in her voice, along with slight concern. Somehow she kept her tone light, though, and I couldn't have been more grateful.

"Yeah, that's fine." I sat up, releasing her, and leaned against the back of the couch. Quiet footsteps headed towards the kitchen, which was quickly followed by various "cooking" sounds.

I let out a quiet breath when she returned, almost 20 minutes later, and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You can move to the table, or *click, click* sit here, it's your choice. I'm gonna go find Spencer."

I nodded as she walked away. What is going on in my life right now? This all feels like a crazy fever dream...

Don't forget, if you want more aesthetic boards for other characters, let me know on the Cast List page. My sister has requested one for Bennett, so look out for that one!