✦✩☾ everything i'm too scared to tell you ~ ❣︎

it's always been you.

It's hard to remember how everything was before i met you

Oh well, "met" is a strong word

I barely know you, i wasn't even supposed to

You were anonymous, but known at the same time

No face, no name, no identity

And, oh god, considering what they think of you,

It's much better this way

I don't know how it started, i guess i was curious

I was looking through old posts, i think

Also probably checking comments

And there it was, a first name, then a last name

Then some friends, some family members

An old picture, then another one, then another twenty or so

Then a personal account I wasn't supposed to know about

I don't know how i did it, i guess i have my ways

Oh, and we talked, and it always made me so happy

It never lasted long, you have better things to do, i'm aware

Usually i tried encouraging you, reminding you that,

The people who love you are proud, i am proud.

It seemed like you needed to hear it, given the circumstances

Although, i'm not sure how much it meant coming from a random girl

A kid, you'd say, maybe...

Maybe sometimes i said too much

Maybe sometimes i was too honest about my feelings

Maybe once i even had too much to drink

Maybe sometimes i was crying as i was typing

Of course, you don't know that, i don't want you to

You have too much going on to worry about me

But you do know you're the one person who could always make me feel better,

With something so little, so insignificant,

Your notification is enough to make me smile through the most violent river of tears

That's why i make most of them up,

The "reasons" to text you, they're mostly invented,

But so well elaborated, i overthink every possible reply

And, for the short moments that we talk, life has purpose, for a second,

For a second, all the anxiety and trauma therapists couldn't cure

Vanishes...simply goes away

Oh, but of course it ends, too soon, i'd say

And i feel so empty

The reminder that this is all pointless

All the hope, all the manifestations, everything,

It's all in vain.

There will always be a barrier between us

One i'm unable to break

But i'll never blame you for it, believe me, i understand

Much more than i'll ever be able to understand "why?"

"Why do i love you?"

It was all so random, but so perfectly timed

Of course, not the first time i love too much,

A person i don't know

But the first time to this extent

The cries, sleepless nights with your music in the background

The overthinking, the scars, the fights with people i don't know,

The obsessive social media stalking, the hunts for any new info to protect

God, i hate myself for it so much

But it's all for you, everything

Since this love-feverdream started,

Since then, it's always been you

In my dreams, in every corner of my mind,

In every song that comes on,

In every little thing that reminds me of you,

In my headphones, on my instagram feed,

On angry comments, and in a hidden folder in my gallery

In whatever this is that i'm writing right now,

It's all for you, everything,

It's always been you.