12:51 Blaze It ( Julian Casablancas Fic )

Chapter 11 pt. 2

I wake up in the ICU, and my head is immediately rushing with pain. I try to breathe, but the tubes down my throat don't let me take a deep enough breath, at least not on my own. I lean my head back and squeeze my eyes shut tight to block out the pain, and a scream of frustration escapes from my mouth. Soon there are doctors all around me, telling me to calm down so they can remove the tubes. I gag as they come up, but finally I can breathe normally. I run my fingers through my hair as my tears roll down my face, and that's when I see him. He's standing behind the crowd of doctors with a worried look on his face. I should be grateful, but I'm pissed.

The nurses start scurrying when they see my heart rate rise, and one injects a weak anesthetic into me. I get too tired to keep my eyes open, so I don't. I lean my head back against the pillow and I keep my eyes closed. My lungs feel like they're filled with fire, which is what frustrates me the most; if he hadn't pulled me out of that tub, I wouldn't be feeling any of this. I wouldn't be feeling anything.

I open my eyes only after I hear a shuffle of feet and then the door close. Julian is resting against a table, hands in his pockets, and he just looks so heartbroken. He slowly stands up and walks over. "Hey, Liz," he says, and his voice is all worn out.

I don't know why I'm so furious. Before I can think straight, I use all my willpower to reach up and bring my hand across his face, hard.

He stumbles for a second and then leans on the bed for stability. He's holding the side of his face, and there are tears in his eyes. "What the hell was that for?" he practically shouted.

"I was going to ask you the same thing!" I reply. I let out a sigh and lean my head back, feeling weak already. "Why couldn't you have just let me drown? I was so fucking close." I bring my hands to my face and dig their heels into my eyes.

"I couldn't have just let you leave me like that!" he replies, just as angry. "What would I have done without you? Hell, what would you have done?"

I let my hands fall back into my lap and glare at him. "Don't you fucking go there," I say through my teeth. "That's fucking selfish, and you fucking know it."

"No, I am going to go there, dammit. What would you have done, Liz, if I were the one drowning in the tub?"

I look away, and my head is full of pain and frustration. "I don't know, Julian, I don't fucking know, okay?" Suddenly I blurt out everything. "I wouldn't have been able to take it, if you left me, because dammit, I didn't know that you would have been suicidal. I would have hated myself for the rest of my life if Julian Casablancas left because I didn't do a good enough job being there for him. I would have saved you too, and I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry."

He's just staring at me, and I don't think he's mad anymore. "Liz . . ."

I shake my head and close my eyes, letting the tears come forth again. I sigh as I reach up and wipe my face, drying them as best I can.

Then Julian climbs into bed next to me. Careful of the tubes running everywhere, he slides in next to me and holds me in his arms. I rest my head on his shoulder and whisper, "I'm sorry."

"Shhh . . ." He presses a kiss to my temple and closes his eyes, keeping me close to his body. Every once in a while, a couple doctors come back in to check my vitals and up my medication dosage. Julian refuses to move, so they work around him as he holds me tight, as if he's afraid to let me go. And I don't blame him.