Wallflower's Weekly Writing

Chapter 3- {kickin ass in 2010}

I will be meeting with Linda weekly. Right now, my mom is talking to Linda, but I can't quite hear what they're talking about, considering she was downstairs. I then heard her coming upstairs, towards my room.
"Hey uh- we have to talk Lili." She came into my room steadily.
"Uh- okay." I said, pulling my earbuds out.
"I've been thinking- and I talked to Linda, since you- ya know- attempted suicide, we thought maybe you should join a rehabilitation center.- ya know, to get better." she said. I think the world just stopped.
"No- mom I can't. I like it here- I'm fine." I said starting to get upset. My breathing started to become heavier. Soon everything was a blur.
.....................
"Honey? Lilian Greene you will not give up on me! Wake up!" I heard my moms voice boom in my head, creating a headache.
"Urggg" I murmured, rubbing my temple.
"You're awake. Oh my god. You had me worried!" My mom said, hugging me. But I'm not much of a hugger, so I pushed her off slightly.
"Yes I'm awake. I'm awake with a major migraine, back pain, and blurry vision. What happened?" I asked.
"You had an episode." She said. Oh dear. An episode. That means a panic attack. I'm used to them by now, but ones never put me into a hospital for who the hell knows how long!
"How long have I been here?" I asked.
"3 day! Holy moly Lilian! I don't understand how you you've managed to stay unconscious for that long." She said huffing.
"3 days! Oh my god!" I said looking around. Yep, I'm in a hospital.
"Oh hello, I see you're awake." a strawberry blonde nurse entered our small captivity.
"Uh- yes, so can I go?" I asked sitting up slightly.
"Not quite. I need to run a few tests." She said, taking out who knows what. I sighed but let her. My mom exited the room, probably filling some forms out or something.
"You were out like a light. Some panic attack eh?" She said.
"Uh- ya." I stammered.
"I know you might be a bit uncomfortable right now, but I wanted to recommend something to you." She said.
"And that is?" I asked.
"Maybe a therapist, psychiatrist." She slowly said. I laughed slightly at the stupidity.
"Thanks." I said. Instead of telling her my personal info, I decided to just play it stupid.
"Okay, all finished. Your mom brought some clean clothes for ya over there." she pointed to a small circular table.
"Okay thanks." I gave her a small smile before getting up to retrieve my clothes.
"So do you mind me asking... What made the incident occur in your opinion?" She asked. I slightly sighed, before answering.
"Well-" I started. Okay Lilian you can do this. Oooh, I could freak her out with my life story. How freakin screwed up is that?!
"Well- okay. You really really wanna know?" I Asked.
"Well um yes, it'll help with the charts." she said.
"Okay so... Basically every single therapist gives up on me, recently I got a new therapist that I actually told about my personal life. Crazy stuff man. I was once talking bout bands, then I said I killed my ex. I'm also freaking depressed, so they agreed for me to to to a rehab center, literally don't wanna go like at all. That led to me having a panic attack. Then it was all a blur." I said putting my trickling fingers above my face. She was speechless, and wide eyed. Probably the 'killed my ex' thing.
"Oh." Is all she said before exiting. Everyone is scared of me, I'm not surprised. Even though nobody knows how he was killed, when they heard it was my fault, I'm instantly some psychotic murderer.
"Hi honey, we can go now." My mom said holding the door for me.
"So.... Um- this doesn't change the facts Lil." She said confidently.
"Do you want me to go have another attack?" I said looking out the window.
"That's the thing Lil! Every time something unexpected happens, you go all depressed, and panic attacky, and it's not normal. What your doing isn't normal or okay." She said.
"Well at least I'm talking now! I always kept it in! But in a couple days, I'm about to do the most courageous thing I can ever plan to think of! I'm going to talk to Linda about my ex boyfriends death mom, and that isn't easy!" I said crying.
"I know it isn't easy, but life isn't easy! Life is always against us, but we have to keep going." she said comforting me.
"I never said it was. I'm just sad. I'm just screwed up!" I said.
"And that's why I'm taking you to a rehab center!" She said. My once angered expression turned shocked. It turned frightful.
"I don't wanna go." I said quietly.
"I don't care Lilian. You need this." She said, and with that, I shut the hell up.
..................
I got home and immediately went to my room, until I, of course, was stopped by no other than my mother.
"You're leaving in a week." She simply said.
"You don't even care do you?" I said, running to my room. I shut the door, and started crying, and threw the closest object next to me across the room. How could she just say that? How long will I be gone? Right or wrong, I thought she would understand how hard this change will be. You see, I hate change. I hate just about everything, now that I think about it. No wonder everyone hates me back.
"Open the door Lilian. Of course I care, I'm just upset with you. You weren't respectful to me Lil. You're so far into depression- I just want the best for you." she said through my door. I slowly let her in, hugging her. I was sobbing at this point. I am so broken, and I'm just letting it out.
"It's okay sweetie, let it out." she said,stroking my hair.
"Mom, I'm scared." I said sobbing my eyes out. And it was true. I'm fearful for this adventure I call my life.
"I know, but it'll be okay." She said. The past traumatized me the most throughout the past 15 years, and I will never forget. My mom soon left, and I then took the opportunity to look through my old journal passages.

'7/23/10
My dad left today, he said he didn't care about me. He hit my mom everyday to this point. I didn't know how to stop it. How could a ten year old girl stop it. Well any normal ten year old girl would hide under her bed and cry. But do you wanna know what I did last night? I went to my moms room, found my lame excuse for a dad, drunk as high hell, beating on her poor body. I just have never seen her so vulnerable. I never watched before, but now it's time to stop it. I went up to daddy and pushed him to the ground. Need I say, damage unavoidable, some lamps were totaled. I kicked him as hard as I could and grabbed mom, and pulled her into a bear hug. I called the police while giving mom a bath, to calm her wounds. Of course, dad was unconscious. Today, he was taken to jail to be sentenced with, I think domestic violence? Hey I'm ten years old, sue me. Now if you look at the beginning of this journal entry it says he left today. Well he did! But sadly, it wasn't voluntary, as you might of thought. You might've thought he had maybe an ounce of decency and said enough is enough, but no, he was forced out. It was humiliating to see the neighbors staring as they cuffed my dad, and put him in the back of a cop car, with mommy standing there, beaten. I bet it was humiliating for mommy too, probably not dad. To this day he was definitely too drunk to remember.'
~Wallflower's Weekly Writing
{updated weekly}

I was sobbing, reading this. I knew I had to. If I wanted to have the strength to tell Linda my problems, I would have to practice, and rencounter my past. I still didn't know how I was going to tell her how my boyfriend was murdered...by me. It just makes me cringe, my body shake, and my jaw clench just thinking about it. That's the thing about me, I don't cry often. I just get extremely angry. I sat on my bed thinking about everything. I looked back at that damn memory of my dad, and thought about something. Wow, for a ten year old, I had a killer vocabulary, and I knew how to kick ass. Sweet.

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I know I update a lot!! Just try to keep up & read when you can! No rush or worries! (And yes, she's 15 years old currently) and I bolded those words so you would understand that they were old journal entries.
~megcatz🐸