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ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘 ─◌✰್ 𝖺 𝗆𝗂𝗌𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗈𝗉𝗉𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗎𝗇𝗂𝗍𝗒
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Changbin's breath came in short, labored gasps.
He had never had a panic attack before, but he thought this must be what it felt like. His chest burned and his heart thudded so hard he thought he might pass out. His vision was foggy, the stunning golden leaves in front of him wavering with every step he took.
He staggered over to the stoop in front of his cabin and nearly collapsed onto the rough cement, grabbing at his scarf and ripping it off his neck before it suffocated him. But the choking sensation still remained, as he struggled to inhale.
"Changbin??" A girl's voice filtered into his ears, but he ignored them, even as they tried to follow him.
"Changbin, where did Lanhua go??" Another girl. "You have to go after her! We need her, please!"
He whirled around to face the girl, her eyes wide as she shrunk away from him in surprise. "I need a minute, please!" His voice was more desperate than he had meant it. He would apologize later. He just didn't have the mental capacity for that right now.
How had things gone so completely wrong, when just hours earlier, he had literally been floating?
It was all his fault, as always.
Stupid, incompetent, ugly Seo Changbin. He thought he had kept his guard up, truly believed those words that had come to encompass his entire identity.
But you had lowered his wall, the one he had carefully built over two decades of torment, of long-term mental trauma he hadn't been sure he would ever actually get over. But you had loved and accepted him, shown him that he was deserving of a real, caring relationship. That he was handsome, smart, and someone worth taking seriously. He wasn't just the class clown whose full-time job was making people laugh. You validated all his insecurities, while showing him that they weren't true. Even when you ran away, even when you were terrified, you always came back. Because you cared about him.
But now you were gone. All because of him.
Clearly, everyone else had been right about him in the end. He was an idiot who didn't think before he spoke. Was, and always had been.
He mentally hit himself over and over, until his mind was so numb he couldn't think anymore. His headache only worsened, but it was no longer just the pain that blurred his vision. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he held them in. He was already a moron. He refused to be a crybaby, too. His head dropped into his hands of its own accord, but he didnt have the strength to bring it back up. He finally sank down onto the cement.
"Bin?"
His friend's voice was muffled, almost like he was hearing him through earmuffs.
"What do you want, Chris?" Changbin said heavily, not even trying to keep the exhaustion out of his voice.
The man sat down next to him, brows creased in concern. "What's wrong? Where did Lan-"
"She's gone," Changbin replied, his voice cracking on the last word. "She left."
"What?" Chan paused, staring at him like he was crazy.
"I fucked up, Chris," Changbin choked out, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "I made a huge fucking mistake and she left, and she's not coming back. What the hell do I do?"
"Well, do you want to get her back?" Chan prodded him. "Because if you do, you have to go after her. If you don't..."
He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
Changbin swallowed, trying to sort out his own thoughts. He missed you. You'd only been gone for ten minutes, ten painful, awful minutes, and he already wanted you to come back. Not having you with him was like a gaping cavern in his chest that couldn't be filled by anything else.
But did he actually want to go after you? Again?
The more he thought about it, the more he realized just how tired he was. He was tired of you running from him, of the way you clammed up at the thought of a serious relationship.
He was so tired of chasing after you. And while the feelings he had for you were so strong he didn't know what to do with them, he had lost count of how many times you'd left. For every time you fixed him with your loving touch or your sincere words, you then turned around and broke him with noncommittal responses, or icy coldness. And as much as he itched to follow you once more, maybe beg you to come back, something was stopping him. That wall he'd formed, the one that had folded when he met you that fateful day on the beach of Jeju, had hardened a little more each time you wormed your way out of a relationship with him.
And now, the wall was back, I'm full force. And while he blamed himself for what happened, for being the final nail in the coffin of your relationship, was it really all his fault?
"What do you want to do, Bin?" Chan asked again, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You have to follow your heart."
Changbin took a deep breath, and finally met his friend's worried gaze. The jagged forcefield around his heart strengthened, pushing him to speak.
"No Chris," he said, "I think I just need a break from all the chasing."
laska's note — we're back! and so is the drama... this time, it's changbin and lanhua's turn to struggle through their relationship! i don't read a lot of changbin fanfics, so make sure to give them all your love! they deserve it. i promise i've got tons of fun in store for this fic, including halloween! so get ready! leave all your predictions and what you're most excited for in the comments! i can't wait to share changhua's story with you.
