expect the unexpected ↠ pacey witter

t w o

        "Oh come on," Pacey groans sitting beside me. He bumps my shoulder and I don't even look at him. He lets out another groan; louder this time, more dramatic. He lets out a defeated sigh. "How long are you going to be mad at me?"

       I don't say anything, I just flip the page of my book. I don't know why I did because I haven't been able to focus on a single word since Pacey came over here five minutes ago.

        "Claire I'll take any snarky comment you have to give me any day over this silent treatment." I don't reply, but I stand up grabbing my bag ready to walk away and lock myself in my room, when he grabs my arm stopping me. "Claire please." His plea is so soft that I almost don't hear it over the wind. I stop fighting him, and let out a small sigh. He stops in front of me, leaning down so he can see into my eyes. "I only took the book to have something to talk to you about. I wanted to see what locked you in so much." He admits and I stop breathing.

        If I could see a mirror, I could see the same vulnerability in his eyes that are in mine. He let me know why he wanted to read it, and that made him seem like he has feelings. God forbid Pacey Witter have human feelings about the opposite sex, that don't involve actual sex. This showed he cared, about me.

        "What so special about a suicide epidemic? It can't be healthy that you keep rereading it." I sigh, averting my eyes from his gaze. I stare out at the distance, watching the water ripple from boats nearby. He moves so he's in my line of sight again, "please just talk to me."

        "It's more about the romance aspect of it. The series made me believe in true love. A soulmate connection. No matter how many times they erased their memories, they always came back to each other because their hearts remembered their love. I'd like to believe that's how true love works, your heart knows. It picks out one person for you and everything falls into place. They all met their partners when we're 15-16? All ended up getting married. Their hearts always knew." I realize I'm rambling, and going from not talking to rambling is a big jump so I press my lips together. "Sorry, you didn't want to know all that." When I look over at him, I notice he's already staring at me. It isn't a look I've ever seen on his face before, and for the first time in our entire friendship I have no idea what he's thinking. "Pace?" I call out.

       This breaks the trance he was just in, and he smiles at me with a slight flush to his cheeks. He's grinning, and he nods sharply. "I want to be half as passionate about anything the way you are about your books. It's honestly admirable, and insanely adorable." he says whispering the last part.

          I don't know what changed over the course of a day. I don't know why he won't stop making comments towards me, but I can't help but smile at his words. All anger about him using this against me faded away into background noise because I realize it's just my insecurities talking and he genuinely isn't judging me for it he just is trying to understand. "My books saved me," I say honestly.

           "Can we talk about that a little more?" He asks. "I—I'm sorry I took it without asking but clearly I saw how it effected you."

         I inhale a sharp breathe. I look over at him, I'm not surprised when I see he seems sincere. It's an odd feeling to be around serious Pacey.

      "My life may seem perfect to outsiders, two sickeningly in love parents, and a talented older brother, I have good grades but no one realizes how lonely your own head is," I pause. "Long story short, it was really dark for me last year. I had panic attacks, with minor depression. Some days I couldn't really get out of bed, which is why I didn't go to school for half the year last year. A lot of my work Dawson had to pick up for me. That's when I found The Program. It reminded me I have a life worth living even when it doesn't always feel like that. Whenever I have a hard time remembering what's the point, I reread it."

         "Claire," he starts but then stops. "I know it doesn't seem like it, because whenever we do talk it's always us trying to see whoever pisses the other off first, I'm never actually mad at you though, I just want to point that out," he laughs, "but I want you to know my life would be horrible I didn't have you in it. You are, without a doubt, one of my favorite people on the planet. I just now realized I haven't told you that I see you more than my best friends little sister, you are also one of my best friends." He looks down at the book in my hands, and reaches out touching a gentle hand on my bicep. "And I don't know what's going on and why you felt the need to read that book right now but whatever it is — I'm glad you're still here, and still fighting because selfishly I need you here. I'm always here if you ever want to talk."

        I look down at his hand that's still on my arm, trying not to let my emotions bubble up but this is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I've never felt so seen in my life. I look up at him, and feel the tears rimming my eyes, "thank you." I whisper. I let out a pathetic laugh, wiping my tears. I flush, embarrassed that I let his words affect me this much.

"Don't thank me, this is the bare fucking minimum. Come here." He motions opening his arms. I hesitate but realize I need comfort, specifically from him, right now. I let him guide me into his chest, and smile when I fit perfectly against him. He rests his chin on my head, and rubs my back gently.

   "I'm sorry you don't realize your potential, it must be hard having a brother like Dawson," he teases, making me chuckle. "He's so opinionated and set on his goals he makes it harder for other people around him sometimes. I'm sorry if you get hit in the crossfire and it makes you feel like who you are and what you enjoy to do isn't enough because you and your dreams matter." I don't say anything. I just let him rock me gently, "mind if I walk you to school tomorrow?" He asks.

I pull back from the hug and look up at him, he grins down at me wiping the tears from my eyes. It was such an intimate move that I feel those damn butterflies stir awake again. My head feels fuzzy being this close to him, like I'm in a trance.

"You we're already going to walk with Dawson." I laugh.

"And he was going to walk with Joey, at least you'll talk to me. He doesn't when Joeys around. Those two are so sickeningly in love I want to punch them both in the head until they realize."

"I'd love it if you'd walk me to school, thank you. For everything Pacey."

He pulls me back in for a hug and sighs gently, "don't ever not talk to me again, alright? Scream, cry, whisper, just please don't ignore me again. A good day involves sarcastic remarks from you."

"Okay," I agree. "I won't."