expect the unexpected ↠ pacey witter

n i n e

I have to admit, sneaking around is fun. The thrill of being caught outweighs the rush to tell anyone, especially Dawson. For the moment, we're living in our own fairytale that unfortunately we know is going to come to an end soon because if Dawson didn't think something was up before, he most definitely will.

      Considering that the two haven't hung out more than twice since we started sneaking around, and I weirdly found a social life outside of books and am rarely home.

       "Pacey," I giggle, "I can feel you staring at me. You have a book to read for English," I remind him. 

       "It isn't my fault you look adorable when you concentrate," he says and his fingers brush my bare ankle. The nervous buzz I get from his touch shoots down my spine. The flutter makes it way into the pit of my stomach.

My feet are in his lap, and we're at my house because no one is home. He's propped up at the top of the bed and I'm laying sideways with the book hovering above me. My arms were getting tired.

        I roll my eyes, but I'm smiling. I tap his leg, "focus," I laugh. "Don't make me kick you out," I say and watch as his face drops.

        "Don't do that please," he says and it's so soft and serious, that I can't help but crawl up to the top of the bed so I can sit next to him. My shoulder bumps his, and he looks down at me with a small pout.

         I grab his hand, and try not to focus on the way he starts rubbing my hand with his thumb. "I don't want you to go, but you really need to focus on your homework. I don't want you to fall behind already. The school year just started."

        "I'm fine," he says shrugging away from our touching shoulders. "Why are you forcing school down my throat?" He snaps. Im taking aback and my mouth falls open, unsure of how this just went in a completely different direction then I thought it was going too.

          "Wait Pace, I didn't — I wasn't trying to, I just —" I bite my lip, trying to stop the trembling that stopped each one of those sentences from finishing. "I don't want to fight," I breath out through the lump in my throat. I will not cry over something as stupid as this.

        His face softens, and whatever had just taken over him seemed to be gone. "I'm sorry, schools just a sensitive topic right now. You're just really into reading and super smart, I just feel like I'm not good enough for you."

"Woah, woah, woah. Absolutely not. Just because I like reading, doesn't mean anything. I don't read books that are educational I read books that are about suicide epidemics, and endless love! I don't read science textbooks and Shakespeare," I laugh which gets him laughing too. "Pacey, I like you just the way you are. I just was trying to refocus your priorities in this moment because I know you had to read to chapter five by class tomorrow. That's all, honest." I ramble out.

He smiles, groaning. He throws his head back falling over to the side dramatically. Looking at him, laying in my bed somehow was a foreign concept just 15 days ago, and now seeing him here never felt more right. I am more comfortable with him, than I have ever been with a guy. It's crazy because we haven't even kissed. I'm not sure what he's waiting for, but him laying in my bed and me, laying on top of him right now, feels normal.

"Stop being so dramatic," I say poking his cheek, and he instantly grins, eyes opening, blue eyes locking on mine. I am laying so my hands are popped in front of me, and I'm leaning my chin on them so I can see him.

Suddenly the sound of the front door slamming, snaps me out of whatever haze I was just in. "Claire!" Dawsons voice calls out from downstairs. I hear the footsteps coming to my room, and let out a sigh of relief that I made the smart decision to lock it before we got settled. "Why is your door locked?" He says knocking.

"I'm getting changed!" I call out, as Pacey scrambles so climb out my window. Once the coast is clear I brush my hair down, and open the door. "What?" I ask.

"I just wanted to talk to you about something," he says and he looks bothered. I open up my door all the way so he can come in. He sits at my desk chair, and starts to spin.

"Well spit it out you're making me nervous," and suddenly I'm afraid me and Pacey haven't been hiding things as well as we think and this is Dawson telling me he knows about us and I need to end it.

"Do you think Mom is sleeping with her co-anchor?" He asks and anything I thought he could have said, that wasn't a possibility.

"Uh, no?" I laugh nervously. "Why?"

"I-I'm not sure I just have this weird feeling," he says and stands suddenly, but it isn't convincing he knows something he doesn't want me to know.

"Dawson," I say pointedly. "What?"

"Nothing, it's nothing. Everything's fine," he says and then storms out.

"Dawson, you can't just drop that and not explain!" I scream following after him.

"I saw them!" He explodes turning on me. "I saw them at the station kissing. She was kissing him!" He sobs.

"No," I say quietly. "No, she wouldn't—"

"She is! Why would I lie about this?"

"I — " I can't breathe. My ears start ringing and when everything starts moving in slow motion I know I'm having a panic attack. "She wouldn't, no — not," I press my hand to my chest, and feel myself sway slightly. The room is spinning.

        Dawson realizes what's happening too late. He doesn't get my panic attacks, he's never learned how to stop them.

I don't know when he came in, but suddenly Pacey is the only thing I can see in front of me. I can't hear what he's saying but when he holds up three fingers I know what he is referring too. "The vase," I say aloud. "The picture frame," I say looking around. "The table," I say and he nods supportively.

"Now three things you can hear," he says.

"Birds chirping," he nods, "the radio, and a lawn mower."

"And three things you a can touch or move?" He asks.

I'm feeling better and I feel my breathing even, but I still finish. I wiggle my fingers, feeling the sensation coming back. "The door, my shoes, and the plant."

"Are you alright?" He asks.

"How did you know what to do?" I ask.

Pacey uses his hand that isn't holding me up to wipe the tears that had fallen. I don't know if he even realizes what he's doing, but I close my eyes and lean into his touch.

       "I've been around some people who have had panic attacks. It got scary so I learned how to help, I didn't know you had them."

Dawson clears his throat, and I'm reminded that he's still there. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think of how this would affect you," he says. Pacey doesn't move. His hand is still on my shoulder, and honestly, it's the only thing holding me up right now.

"It's not your fault." I say, clearing my throat.

"It is, I should have thought before I acted. This effects more then just them. This affects us too, I just didn't want to be alone in it."

"You're not, and we'll deal with this together," I say. Pacey finally lets me go, and Dawson steps in and I practically fall into his chest. Dawson thinks Mom is cheating on Dad. I don't understand. Dad adores her. She has no reason to cheat!

       I open my eyes, and again I lock eyes with Pacey and know that I can't tell Dawson about us. Not right now, not until we figure out what's going on with our family. He can't handle this right now.