The Land is Inhospitable and so are We (Chuuya x Reader)

i love me after you

The doctors all said someone else must've broken into Y/n's apartment and attacked her in the night, but Dazai knew the truth and told everyone at the Agency as much. The only other time he'd seen the sort of carnage as he saw stepping into her apartment the morning after their strange chat had been when Y/n had used her ability on people. There was even a message that could have only ever been from her written on the wall in blood.

I am too full of feathers

it said.

The letter he had left for her had been unopened on the table. Dazai wasn't even sure if she had known it was there. 

The Agency believed him when he told them his version of what had happened to her. After all, he had always been the closest to Y/n out of them, and they knew that her history was held by his hands.

It was a closed casket funeral for understandable reasons. A solemn affair that everyone from the Agency attended. It was a small sea of black around her graveside as Dazai stood to give his eulogy.

He had insisted she was buried under a cypress tree. 'The world itself should be in mourning for her' he had said. No one wanted to argue so, they paid the fee using Agency funds and whatever wasn't covered by that, they had pooled their own spare change for.

Dazai cleared his throat and, looking out at his fellow Agency members, could almost hear Y/n's dismay at their not having told the Mafia.

My family should be here! he could almost here her indignantly saying.

But she wasn't saying anything and never would say anything at all ever again. That's why they were all here.

"Y/n was my best friend." Dazai began, "I am sure you all knew that, but it needed to be said. Y/n was my best friend but she wasn't just that, she was my guiding light. From the moment I met her when we were thirteen and fourteen, I knew my life would be forever changed because of her and I was right. Without Y/n, I never would have had the guts to leave the Mafia. Without Y/n, I would have remained under Mori's thumb. She rescued herself and me along with her. She seemed to save everyone she knew."

Dazai paused, looking out again at the crowd some of whom were crying.

"She told me once when we were kids that she was too full of feathers and that one day she'd end up alone, bent over from wishing and surrounded by the broken promises of others. I told her she was a fool and she told me she didn't mind her fate. Years later, she told me her true fear of this self determined fate was part of what lead her to leave the Mafia."

Out of the corner of his eye, Dazai saw two black vans show up. He should've known the Mafia would find out one way or another and, as people in black began to exit the vans, he could tell they meant no harm. They came as mourners.

"Y/n was many things." Dazai continued, speaking a little louder now, "She was a strong ability user, she was a feared Mafia executive, she was respected, she was silly, childish, in love, scared, and most of all, she was limitlessly kind. I will miss her, as I am sure you all will as well."

Looking up again, he saw the last two people in the world Dazai expected or wanted to be there.

"I am starting to ramble now, so I will just leave you with this one last thing: Y/n tried her best, and that's all any of us can really do. Thank you."

Quickly, he made his way back into the audience but instead of taking his seat once more, continued walking past the fold up chairs standing haphazardly in the grass. The eyes of the agency members followed him, shocked to notice the arrival of several known mafia members and even more shocked to see Dazai stop in front of the member Y/n had stopped from attacking the agency several weeks before and the great Mafia boss himself.

"You two," Dazai said, unable to contain his anger, "you fucking did this to her."

Mori laughed and Chuuya simply looked down at the ground in apparent shame.

"She did this to herself." Mori said with a smile, "My little maenad knew herself better than anyone."

"You're a fucking monster. I don't know what you did to her, but you're a fucking monster." Dazai spat at his former superior before turning to Chuuya, "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

Mori walked away, finding his place next to a woman in traditional clothing near the back of the crowd. Chuuya didn't respond and Dazai slapped him across the face.

"You did this to her!" he yelled. 

"I know." was all Chuuya said in response, refusing to meet the taller man's accusatory gaze.

"I gave her your letter the night she died."

Chuuya's eyes widened in shock.

"She didn't read it." Dazai admitted, "I don't think she even knew it was there. She was rambling about all these things, saying she needed to be judged. She... she thought I was you."

"She never would have left if it weren't for those ideas you put in her head." Chuuya shot back, anger rising in his throat, "If she had stayed, we could have figured something out. I could have helped her and instead..."

The President of the Agency came up behind Dazai, putting his hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"Would you like to say something?" he asked Chuuya in a calm, even tone, "It seems you cared a lot for her."

Chuuya simply looked at him for a second before nodding slowly.

Once the crowd was settled again, Dazai and the President having taken their seats and the mafia members having arranged themselves behind their chairs, Chuuya stepped up beside the headstone. He looked at it solemnly before turning his gaze to the crowd.

"She would have loved this, everyone getting along for once?" he laughed and there were some small smiles shared between the onlookers at his words.

Turning back to the headstone in thought, Chuuya cleared his throat.

"Im not good at this, all these... feelings and things but I loved her. Y/n was wild and unpredictable. She was so deeply irritating and always got me in to trouble and I loved her. She drove me absolutely crazy and when she disappeared? I thought I would die. She handed her heart to me as if it were a cigarette from the pack she kept in her back pocket but it was so much more than that and we both knew it. Im so sorry Y/n. I wish we'd had more time. I know it's my fault that we don't."

——

Everyone was readying themselves to leave when Dazai found his way to Chuuya's side in front of the headstone.

Y/n L/n loved deeply and was loved deeply in return. She was full to the brim with hope.

Was all it said.

"Did you pick that?" Chuuya asked gruffly and Dazai nodded, "It's perfect."

"It's not your fault, you know." Dazai sighed after a moment.

"I certainly didn't help."

"She said... the night she died, she said she'd written to you about this... this pressure at the back of her head, said it had been chasing her for a long time and she could feel it catching up."

Chuuya's back stiffened.

"So... it's not your fault. Not anymore than it is mine."

They fell into an uneasy silence.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry." was all Dazai said to break it, and they both could feel the uselessness of his words. 

"Me too."

Edited: January 27th, 2024