The Land is Inhospitable and so are We (Chuuya x Reader)

the frost

This day always cut through him like a knife. It had been years and Chuuya could still bring to mind with almost tactile detail the day he had found out she was gone.

They had their own rooms of course, and although they always said they'd go back to them the two somehow always ended up in the same bed. When Chuuya awoke to find Y/n missing, he hadn't been all that alarmed. He saw the folded piece of paper baring his name in her familiar handwriting and assumed she'd just gone off early to get breakfast or train, letting him get some much needed rest. It wasn't until he'd gotten ready for the day and actually opened the letter that he understood the severity of the situation.

My darling love it had said.

My darling love,
My dearest one,
My Chuuya.

I am so, so sorry. Even though I know it is just a word and it means nothing, I am so sorry for what I have done. This place is all I have ever known. Dazai won't shut up about this light being in me, something incessant that shines in the darkness. You don't cease in your telling me I never had the chance to be anything other than what I am and that that is to blame, not me. I need to give myself that chance.

I am scared Chuuya, I can feel something irreversible changing within me. If I don't do this now, I think any other time would be too late. I know I should have talked to you about this, at least told you how I was feeling: all this pressure to do good in such a dark place. You would have looked at me and I would have said everything and I was too afraid for that to happen because what if you convinced me to stay?

I want to know the world as it truly is, not as Ive been raised to see it. It's a selfish thing. I am a selfish thing. 

This thing, this sickness of a sort, I can feel it pressing in the back of my mind. I don't want to lose myself to it before ever having even tried anything else.

I might come back, I don't know yet. I don't expect you to be waiting for me if I do. Know this: you, Nakahara Chuuya, have saved me. You made my life here more worth living than I ever thought it could be. I wish we had more time. I know it's my fault that we don't.

I have loved you more than I ever thought possible Chuuya. My heart will always rest in the palms of your hands.

When he had read the note, everything had left his mind save finding her. He ran from her office to her room to the roof to anywhere he thought she could possibly be. Eventually, he ran into Dazai, clutching a not similar to the one Y/n had left Chuuya in his hand. It was the closest he'd ever seen the taller man come to tears.

"Let me read it." he had sharply insisted, and Dazai had relented without a second thought.

Dazai, the second note began,

My mother was right, I am too full of feathers. I can feel it all slipping, Dazai, I can feel myself slipping. I don't want to wind up like that, I can't. That is why I must go.

You were a loyal dog, the best friend anyone could ever ask for. You will make a grand executive, I'm sure of it.

I hope your hedonism treats you well, and that you pray for my wrath to do the same to me. Most of all, I hope this light you see in me is truly there. I hope I can be saved.

Don't be too tough on Chuuya. He may irritate you but he is a good man. This is the last order I will most probably ever give you. Dazai: you are not to come after me. Ever. Let me disappear.

Chuuya and Dazai exchanged no words as they carried out their work for the rest of the day and, it was a surprise to neither of them to be called into Mori's office for the news of Dazai's promotion.