Start Again

Confessions

After the hype for the impending drinking contest settles down, it was time to eat dinner. Gale did an amazing job, the food was amazing. He knew that he did a good job because everyone made sure to compliment him on the fact.

The multiple conversations condensed into one conversation among everyone at the table, so people had time to take breaks and eat their food without talking. It was a fun time, discussing old stories and making jokes. As Tav prepares to take another bite, she realizes that Astarion hasn't spoken in a bit. She hopes that her earlier idea didn't actually upset him. Worried, she glanced over to him but her eyes catch his as he was already staring. She quickly turned back to the conversation, pretending she didn't catch him staring.

Tav thinks to herself, Why was he staring at you? Was he even staring at you, or did you both just happen to look at the same time? Her face starts to feel hot at the thought of him staring, but she ignores it and continues taking part in the dinner discussions. Astarion was working to catch up to Tav so the contest was fair. Much like everyone else in the room, tipsiness started to overtake him. His emotions that he was working so hard to hide were bubbling up and trying to make themselves obvious.

She caught him staring, but for some reason he is not that worried. He wishes she would look at him as he wants to gaze into her eyes again like they did back in the bedroom. He felt connected to her, and that was about as connected as he would ever get. He knows he shouldn't let his feelings develop, and he knows that she doesn't like him. These moments are all he can get, and he wants to be satisfied with that. Almost like she could feel his desire for another glance, she turns to look at him again.

Tav turned towards him after a while to check again on why he is so silent. Once again, he was staring at her. Instead of turning away, she locked eyes and flashed a large over-dramatic smile. Astarion could feel his heart tighten within his chest, but he needed to keep his composure. If she knew what he was feeling then she might leave him, and he doesn't know what he would do if that were to happen.

The thought of Tav leaving him plagued him often. This is not the first time he has considered having feelings for Tav, but each time he ignores it and pushes them away due to the fear of not having her in his life. She is everything to him, so he doesn't know how he wouldn't have feelings. Despite this, he knows that he can't so he tries to rid himself of the emotions that threaten to boil over into his reality. Unfortunately, this time he doesn't want to ignore them. He wants to let himself feel this love and imagine what it would be like if she felt the same way.

Astarion tries to get rid of the hopeful thoughts. She would leave if she knew, it would be too inconvenient. She deserves someone who has their shit together, who knows how to have that relationship. While he has grown slightly more confident with his freedom, he is worried he would still mess up since he hasn't had a relationship like that before. He has done a lot of self-reflection and feels more comfortable with the idea of sexual pleasures, but there is always the chance that the comfortability may not last. He thinks that Tav doesn't deserve all that difficulty in a relationship.

While lost in thought, Astarion loses the focus to hide his expression. Tav, still sneaking glances at him, notices a sullen expression on his face. To not draw attention from the other's, she places her hand on his knee beneath the table. He snaps out of his thoughts, startled at the sudden contact. Realizing it is Tav, he begins to feel slightly flustered at the light touch and chosen placement.

"Are you okay?" Tav whispers to him. He realizes that he was not hiding the saddening thoughts that were racing through his mind. He quickly changes his mood, as to not concern her.

"Yes, of course. Just waiting on you to finish up so you can lose this little contest you started." He says while putting on a confident smirk.

"Well, I am just about done if you are really feeling that confident." Tav says, taunting him.