FEARLESS ➳ TWD¹ [REWRITE/COMPLETED]

43 ➳ HONOR

❝ She wasn't sad anymore. She was numb and she knew, somehow, numb was worse. ❞
— ATTICUS —

—

MAYBE I fainted after I found out the horrible news about Carl. Or, I possibly briefly died. I just went to sleep and didn't wake up, but I did, though. I woke up and had to face reality.

Carl was bit and that means that he was going to die. Immediately, I wanted to take my anger out on someone — anyone — but that just wouldn't be fair. Then, when I heard Carl try to explain how it happened. He said that it was when he was out yesterday — after I had let him go off on his own — when he was helping his new friend, Saddiq.

Honestly, I didn't want to be mean to Saddiq. I wanted to be nice towards Carl's new friend, but... My hands had other plans. So, that's when I practically jumped on Saddiq and placed my hands around his neck. I could faintly hear Carl's pleads for me to stop and that it wasn't Saddiq's fault.

I was trying to choke Saddiq to death, but Daryl and Tara were there to yank me off of him — just in time. Afterward, they held each of my arms back and Saddiq coughed.

"It is not his fault," Carl said once again, our eyes connecting. "I know that you're sad right now and that is easily coming to anger, but Saddiq is a doctor and can help you all after I am gone."

I couldn't face the facts right now, so I just looked at Carl with my fully-glassed eyes before struggling to get out of Daryl and Tara's grip before walking down passed everyone, so that I could be alone.

I brought my knees to my chest and laid my head down on them, using my arms bury my head in there and cry.

—

AFTER Rick and Michonne finally showed up, I made sure to stay away to give them their space. I hadn't stopped crying yet. I was mourning over the boy who wasn't even gone yet, but he will be soon, though. Soon.

Carl had showed his bite wound to them, trying to explain that his bite was not the Saviors' fault, and it happened while he was helping Siddiq. Later, I am sure that I will apologize to Saddiq for trying to kill him, but not right now.

I was too heartbroken.

This wasn't like when I lost anyone else. This isn't like any death that I have gone through before. This one felt so much more personal in a way that I couldn't describe. I didn't know how, but it was more personal and heartbreaking.

When I had to watch Abraham and Glenn both die right in front of me, it crushed me beyond compare. When Daryl and I were kidnapped and held at the Sanctuary against our will, I thought that I couldn't escape or become even more broken. Negan broke me, though. He found a way to do just that.

Then, we escaped, and this is when we lost both Sasha. We have lost everyone and everything, and for what? Just so Negan can burn Alexandria to the ground and take Carl in the process, too? Although Negan and the Saviors had nothing to do with Carl being bitten, Negan still caused this.

Just yesterday, I was telling Daryl and Tara how I didn't want to kill them all. Kill the Saviors, that is. Maybe I didn't make it quite clear that I wanted Negan dead, though. I do want Negan dead, for everything that he has done to us. What he took away from us.