Gold Fever (m×m) ✔

XIII: Can't fix the unfixable

《 ELIAN PHOENIX 》

I had a rancid taste in my mouth, as I scrambled up from the floor. My stomach clenched again, and I dry-heaved with my hands on my knees, my fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs. It took me a while before I could straighten myself and take the remaining steps towards Birdy. It was just her and I in the hotel room, as Rio and Rain had rushed after Najwa. 

"I'm so sorry. I'll.." My voice broke and I bit my inner cheek so hard I tasted blood to gain some much needed equilibrium. I gave her hand a squeeze, but it was cold and solid and anything but comforting. "I'll find a way to fix this, I promise."

If I had in fact started this, there had to be a way for me to take it back. All of it, not just to return money to bank accounts and prevent more people getting sick, but also reverse what had happened to the ones already infected. I needed to figure it out somehow, because there was absolutely no fucking way Birdy was gone for good. 

She's never coming back, you worthless piece of shit, a voice murmured at the back of my mind. I told that voice to shut the fuck up, because there was going to be a way to bring her back. There's no way, you dipshit, the voice argued, and I told myself, stop thinking about it. Which was as good as telling someone not to think about a yellow elephant, as the thought only intensified in my mind.

My eyes started to prickle and my chest heaved with the attempts to fill my lungs even though it felt like there was a band around my chest that only kept tightening. I pushed the emotions down with such force I nearly choked on them. Then I picked up my pen and scribbled on a sticky note pad: We'll come back for you. Just hold on. The handwriting was so bad I could have made an outstanding doctor, but I decided Birdy could work it out.

On my way out, I emptied the minibar, which was still surprisingly filled with cans of soda, bottled water and orange juice, tiny liquor bottles, chocolate and protein bars. I left behind a can of peanuts, a bar of Toblerone and a small bottle of wine just in case Birdy woke up hungry. I didn't get the buzz of finding something to eat and drink, despite this one being a jackpot in our standards, but I stacked the snacks in my backpack out of habit.

I was a murderer, and a thief, but like everyone, I was just trying to survive. We all did what we did to get by, and I told myself Birdy would understand. 

Don't think about it.

"I'll see you again when this is all over." I whispered to Birdy, as I sat down on the edge of her bed. My friends had probably gotten tired of waiting for me and left, but I couldn't make myself face them just yet. "I really am so sorry for.. all of this."

Then, eventually, I picked up my backpack and dragged myself out of the hotel. Najwa was sitting against the wall, her head buried in her hands. She didn't look up when I joined them. Rain was avoiding my gaze as well, and only Rio favored me with a sad but reassuring smile. I wanted to tell them what I had told Birdy; how sorry I was and how I was going to fix it all and how we would come back to her when all of this was over, but I couldn't make myself speak.

Zip it up.

And throw away the key.

As we walked back, Najwa striding in front and the rest of us trying to keep up, I was retracting the thoughts that forewent my so-called magical awakening. But no matter how much I racked my brain, I could come up with only the same old observations. 

I was riding on a manic high, my feelings heightened to a point where I was sometimes extremely irritated and other times overly excited. I slept little, if at all, and I had this spectacular idea of emptying my apartment from all my worldly belongings. I wanted to make the money disappear and in my mind I was 100% convinced I could do it.