My Name Is Josh

Chapter 5

"I need to...I need to take a moment." I said, trying to catch my breath. My heart was racing. I felt so hurt. Josh didn't push her away, in fact, after a while, he slightly gave in to the gesture. I felt Daniel put a hand to my shoulder, but I needed to get out of there. I pushed past all the drunk and sweaty bodies and went to the deck, pushing open the door and inhaling the breeze. The sun was setting over the ocean now, and I felt a little more relaxed as I saw the familiar orange and yellow colour painted across the sky.

I scanned the now small number of people out here, and found Michael at the railing, just like before. He was smoking a cigarette, his arms leaning against the side. I walked to him without thinking. His eyes found mine and I stood beside him.

"Can I have a cigarette?" I asked before he could say anything. He raised his eyebrows.

"You smoke?" His eyes flickered to the cigarette in his hand.

"No. But I want to right now." I said, unsure of what I was saying.

"Jennifer..." Michael trailed, but I looked at him with such a glare he had no choice but to reach into his pocket and pull out a fifty-cigarette packet.

"You'll regret this." He sighed, handing me one. I put it between my teeth as he reached over and lit it up with his lighter.

"I need this." I said, inhaling the smoke. I had never personally smoked before, but I knew all about it because my mother used to. I felt the weird feeling hit me fast, and I was soon coughing after one breath.

I straightened myself and cleared my throat, expecting Michael to be comforting me, only to see he was doing his slight smile.

"That's not funny." I tried to say, but found my voice croaky.

"It is. A bit." He shrugged, taking another simple puff of his cigarette.

"How long have you been smoking for?" I raised my eyebrows, watching his shoulders drop easily with every inhale he had. It was his stress reliever.

"Hard to say. Since I was about sixteen. I wasn't a hard smoker then, but I would have one sometimes with a few friends. When I hit eighteen, it started to become an addiction. My life was a mess. Ever since then there hasn't been a day without these." Michael held up his cigarette.

"How old are you now?" I tried another inhale of my cigarette; it was easier to handle than last time, but my heart was beating rapidly with the different intake.

"Twenty two." Michael pouted, making me smile. He was older than I thought- he certainly had the good looks to be young. But at the same time, he had mature features and rarely smiled. It was certain to me he wasn't like his brothers. He was only twenty two, it wasn't a big deal. But he was close to five years older than me.

"Nice." I nodded. Things seemed a lot more peaceful out here- but if I had to face Josh inside I don't know if I could handle it. All my emotions have come and go too quickly and I can't decide how I feel. I need Josh but I don't. I want Josh but I can't have him. Mostly because he probably belongs to a billion other girls...

"Is Josh a douchebag?" I asked suddenly, surprising Michael a bit. He smiled at me and I took that as a laugh.

"I don't know how to put my brothers into perspective. But I'll try," Michael said, making me smile, and then I felt the tears come to my eyes, "Daniel? Complete idiot. But he is alright, he's loyal. And he's funny. But completely and utterly stupid. Although, he takes his idiotic nature for all it's got- and does anything to make people smile. Especially when it comes to pretty girls," Michael was hinting, but continued, "Nate is practically part of the family, he's almost always over here visiting Daniel and stuff. He's flirty, obsessed with the gym and is like married to Dan. He's easy to catch as a player, but when he finds the right one I'd say he's loyal enough."