Promise » [cashton] √

5.1

[10th of April]

Ashton

As Calum and Sierra disappeared inside Calum's new study, Luke shuffled along the wall, encouraging Ashton to follow him. He seemed content they were out of earshot before he started talking.

"So you told Calum the truth then?" he asked, arms crossed over himself.

"Yeah,"

Luke cleared his throat uncomfortably, "and was I right? I mean, what I guessed, was that why?"

"Yeah," Ashton admitted, and he thought it would have been harder to confess all his sins, but now that Calum knew, and really everything had turned out okay, it was so much easier to admit that he'd been wrong, "I was so cruel to him Lu, and then I told him the truth and he just pulled me into his arms, like it was nothing," that ugly, guilty feeling was in his chest again. The one that looked for seams to pull at to try and make Calum look as bad as him.

Luke shifted in closer to him, sliding an arm around Ashton's shoulders, "I underestimated him from the start," Luke admitted, "not that I regret being cautious, but- I should have been kinder. We all could have been kinder to him, Michael as well." Luke was sombre in a way Ashton hadn't seen for a long time, and he was trying to find the right words to comfort him when Luke spoke again, voice lighter, "I already told him if you didn't apologise, he had to leave you, I was hoping that Sierra and I could goad him into a throuple," he laughed.

Ashton wondered for the briefest moment if he and Calum had never gotten together if that's what actually would have happened. Maybe Calum would have been happy, but he was Ashton's soulmate, they would have found each other no matter what. Would he have dated Calum if he'd already slept with Luke though... that was a good question.

"Ash, I'm not actually going to try and steal your boyfriend," Luke said, clearly seeing the wheels turning in Ashton's mind.

"You couldn't, even if you wanted to," Ashton said without thinking, he hadn't meant to sound catty or annoyed, but he just really didn't think Luke could manage to take Calum from him, not really. "But- I'm glad that you didn't make excuses for me..."

They were quiet again, how was it that there was so much he wanted to say to Luke and yet there was nothing that he could articulate?

"I love you too much to let you be the sort of person who would do something like that, and get away with it. And, I guess it hurt to see you were hurting yourself as well,"

Ashton let his head fall on to Luke's shoulder, "why- why do they do this?"

"Who?"

"My parents, the- the leaders in the church. Why do they wanna keep this stuff from us? Even if Calum and I had got married first... this still would have fucked me up," he confessed. Luke shifted uncomfortably, he could tell the older man had something he wanted to say, but he wasn't opening his mouth, "what is it Luke? tell me,"

He sighed, "I don't know Ash- I- control. They want to control people, to what end I don't know but that's what they want. It's- it's not about God it's about them. You gotta let it go,"

There were tears collecting in Ashton's eyes, "I don't want to give up God," he felt like he was pleading, as if Luke could somehow stop God from leaving him.

He tugged Ashton into his arms properly now, "you don't have to, just- you can find a new church, we can find you a gay church," he offered, and he sort of laughed, and sort of didn't.

Ashton shrunk impossibly into himself, still in Luke's arms, "I- I feel like a fraud, I don't know if I'm gay, and I don't know anything about being gay I wouldn't know how to fit in there. And they'd hate me for being part of that kind of church, they'd know that-"

Luke squeezed Ashton tight, "you're overthinking it," he told him quietly, "the reason most of them are there is because they've had similar experience, I think you could learn a lot from a community like that," he said honestly.

Ashton's breaths were short, "but- what if I'm not gay and it's just like I'm imposing on their place?" He felt his heart constricting, the panic rising up in him at the thought.

"You're something," Luke said resolutely.

Big concerned eyes turned on Luke, "how do you know? I mean for sure, I love Calum, more than I've loved anyone, but- but before that I've never felt-" his cheeks were colouring red, suddenly feeling a valley of inexperience between them. "I've never even been attracted to anyone before, I would pretend, you know like say 'oh yeah they're really hot' about girls when my friends at church did but I thought we were all just saying it to say it. I didn't realise that they wanted to like- do stuff with whoever they were talking about. But with Calum when I- I've literally wanted to rip his clothes off before," he said the last part so quietly he thought maybe, just maybe Luke might not hear him.

"I always kind of thought you just didn't date because you were busy, I didn't realise you weren't interested in anyone," Luke confessed, "sounds like you could be demisexual or something like that- not that labels are super important or anything but you know it's not weird or anything there's a word for it because there are other people that feel that way,"

Ashton hummed, "yeah Cal said that, he told me I should talk to you about it but you were being..."

"A dick?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could come to me," Luke said quietly, "I just- I freaked out. I really thought that he'd like managed to brainwash you or something it felt so out of character," he confessed.

Ashton could feel the warmth rising in his cheeks again, "he just, made me feel special. I could tell he didn't quite know how to talk to me and yet he was still trying so hard. He just charmed me," he felt giddy talking about Calum, "I've never felt like someone wanted to know me so completely,"

Luke was quiet, they stayed in one another's arms as the older man seemed to try and come up with something to say, "is it weird that I'm jealous? I-I'm not- it makes me sad I couldn't be that for you but I know that's not realistic," he confessed.

He actually felt better, his body relaxing involuntarily, "you know me better than anyone else in the world," Ashton confessed, "you knew what lie I was telling myself before I did," he laughed.

"I think maybe the reason it was so easy for you to believe that I was only your friend because you paid me was because I sort of acted like it. But you're my best friend, and I'm sorry I didn't make that clear, these months of us being so-so different from usual have been so lonely," Lukes eyes coasted away and back to him, checking it was okay to confess that, "I told Calum and he said I should come by more again, but it's up to you,"

Ashton finally let his arms snake around Luke's waist, "of course you can," he let himself feel smaller than he was, face pressing into Luke's chest, an effort when they were both over 6 foot, but what he desperately needed.

They heard the others approaching behind them and pulled apart, turning to them expectantly, "you not interested in seeing Cal's office Lu?" Sierra's voice asked.

"I could go in for a look," Luke shrugged, and he moved past them into the room, followed by Calum.

Sierra's arms looped lazily around the back of Ashton's waist, "my boys are alright," she sighed.

He let his hand hold hers where they linked but couldn't think of anything more to say. Her boys were okay.

Hey! I finally finished a chapter! I'm still in the US atm I'm in LA hanging with friends. But boomerluke and I went to WWWY and she got engaged!!! So special, so grateful I got to be a part of it. Hope y'all are well and are gonna have a good Halloweekend! Lots of love ❤️