Ready Made Relationship

Confessions Whilst Confined To A Bed

Owen's hand stroked luxuriously through Buck's curls as they lay on one of the spare beds in his home. Owen lay on his back, head resting on the pillows whilst Buck lay on his right side with his head resting on Owen's chest.

"I spoke to Maddie and Chim last night." Buck whispered into the silence. He felt, rather than heard, as Owen released a deep sigh.

"You are supposed to be sleeping at night, Evan." The older man scolded him lightly.

"I can't. Haven't been able to for a long time." Buck admitted. It was so much easier to talk when he wasn't looking anyone in the face. "I had a panic attack, I think, after I started thinking about the 118. I needed some reassurance that I still have them now that I've accepted that I don't have the others. Actually, Maddie is completely in favour of me never returning to work with the 118. You should probably call her she'll be expecting it after last night, besides, she wants to vouch for Chimney so that you'll let them visit at some point." Buck chuckled as he snuggled further into Owen's side, groaning at the pain in his ribs.

"Alright, bud, on your back." Owen patted his head before pushing him to lay on his back, at which point Owen rolled onto his side and curled around Buck protectively. "Would you like Maddie and Chimney to visit?" He asked softly.

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Buck felt guilt coil in his gut as he thought of how his sister would feel, how Chimney would feel, if he told her that. "I don't really want to see anything I associate with LA for a while. Is that okay?"

"Buck, sweetheart," Owen's hands squeezed Buck to offer reassurance. "Of course it is. I'll call your sister and explain later, I'm sure she'll understand."

"She'll worry, though. I haven't been in a great place recently, and she was watching out for me. Now she's gonna feel like she can't. This is really gonna suck for her." Buck grumbled. A frown grew on his face. Maddie was a great sister. He didn't deserve her at all. All those times, she'd stuck by him, and now he was ditching her because of something that was almost completely unrelated to her.

"Do you wanna talk to me about why you've been in a bad place? I'd like to know if you're open to telling me. I'm learning a lot about you and how much you've changed, and you've learned about yourself. For instance, the last time we met, you hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD and you didn't frown as much either." Owen tickled his side lightly.

"Well, I have a lot of new diagnoses, actually. I kind of decided on the way here that I wouldn't tell you or TK. I didn't want you to worry or anything." Buck breathed, his eyes closing firmly to protect him for the rest of the conversation to come.

"Well, now I'm more worried." Owen joked. His tone was light, but the way he curled his arm tighter around Buck showed exactly how he was really feeling.

"It's not much, really. Some mental health stuff and the ADHD and chronic pain in my leg." Buck tried to write it all off. He hoped that he sounded flippant enough for Owen to leave it at that.

Buck knew better than to get too hopeful, Owen had known him for too long to let him away with such a short answer, but it was worth a shot.

"Mental health stuff?"

Buck's heart shrivelled in his chest. He contemplated making a run for it but quickly gave up on that thought. His left leg could barely hold him while he was standing he couldn't imagine walking on it, let alone running. His eyes were still closed, so he could pretend that he fell asleep, but his father figure would see through that in seconds.

"I can hear you thinking, bud. Unfortunately for you, I know all your tricks, you've already used them all on me. They aren't going to work this time around." His father squeezed him softly, tucking himself closer to Buck's side. "You have to tell me what's wrong so I can fix it, buddy. That was always our agreement, wasn't it?" The older man bargained.

"Can't you ask Maddie about it?" Buck whined.

"Absolutely not! You're my son, I want to hear it from you, not from your sister." Owen scolded.

"Okay. Okay. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and severe PTSD. My therapist also warned me about being passively suicidal." Buck winced as he said the words, feeling his father's grip on him tighten further. "And, since I'm coming clean about this, there are some other things that are kind of separate. They might be just other parts of the whole picture, but I'm not sure."

"Go on." Owen's deep rumble pushed Buck onwards with his confession.

"I have panic attacks, not infrequently, and there are nightmares almost every night that wake me up screaming. My neighbors are worried about me, I'm glad that I'm well-liked there, or they'd probably have petitioned to have me kicked out for the number of times I've traumatised them all at night." Buck rushed out, his rant causing him to spiral.

"Oh, son," Owen sighed. "That sounds awful."

"There's something else." The shameful whisper was pushed past Buck's clenched jaw before he had decided whether or not he really wanted to tell his dad about his extracurricular activities. He baulked, eyes going wide as he turned to face his father in hopes that the older man hadn't heard. The looks he received had him ready to smother himself to death rather than tell the man anything else.

"Buck." Owen's tone was low and leading, Buck had no defence against it.

"I have developed a habit," Buck paused because he knew how much this revelation would hurt Owen and how much it would hurt TK, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. However, he knew that he had to talk or he might never get the chance again, so he pushed on through. "I find tall buildings or ledges, I like the cliffs most."

"And what do you do when you find these 'tall' places, Buck?" The older man pulled away from Buck, sitting up and turning to face him fully.

For a moment, Buck got stuck in the whirlwind of emotions that were cascading down to him from Owen's eyes. Owen knew, of course he did, but he wanted Buck to say it. He wanted Buck to be able to admit it out loud. He wanted Buck, to be honest.

Buck wanted himself to be honest, too. He just wished that it was less painful.

"I sit on the ledge," he tried with all of his might to ignore his dad's sharp intake of air. "And I look down at whatever is at the bottom. I think about what it would feel like to fall. I think about what it would feel like to die."

Heartbreaking sobs tore from both Buck and Owen as they were forced to face the reality of Buck's poor mental health.

Owen reached for Buck clumsily. He pulled his kid tightly against his chest and brushed one hand frantically through the youngers' hair and down his neck until his palm rested over the boys' pulse.

"Oh, thank God! You're here, I have you. You're here with me." Owen spoke with a voice which was pitched much higher than usual, and his words were hysterical. "You're alive, Buck! Isn't that great?"

"Dad, I -" Buck wasn't able to string a sentence together, he knew his dad needed comfort but Buck couldn't give that to him at the moment so he did the next best thing. Buck pulled his phone from his pocket and, without looking pressed on his emergency contact number.

"Buck?" TK asked, seconds later. "Are you okay?"

Buck pressed the phone to Owen's ear, sighing deeply as he collapsed against his father figure. His arms entrapped the older man, and he finally closed his eyes for a break.