The Villain You Made Me

A Star

There was a theory that a Greek astronomer named Ptolemy had hundreds of years ago that the stars were signs the gods were listening to our wishes. Part of me believes that to be true. My relationship with all deities is complex. When I was younger I was taught about the Christian God. The whole Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, Noah, Mary and Joseph. I was told God loves me but how could that be true? It took me twenty-one years to realize the Christian god wasn't the one looking out for me but whatever god is in charge of the brightest star I see at night I know they've been looking out for me.

When I was a little girl I had to of been around four Rachel, My biological mother, moved me and herself in with Jim. Jim was a man she had been having an affair with while she was married to my dad. He was significantly older than her and had lost custody of three of his children. He hated me. When we moved in I remember Rachel telling me to call him dad. I never did. I didn't like him and I wanted my father back. My dislike for him grew into fear. I don't remember when it started but Jim had taken up corporal punishment on me. It was always the same. He would be angry about something then pull my pants down put me across his lap and spank me. He had a few weapons of choice. The original was a ping-pong paddle it was one of those with the wood handles. I never did anything to deserve that punishment. I rarely acted up and the only thing I ever did that could warrant that was play ding dong ditch. He took his anger out on me and his tool changed. He made a paddle out of some wood and covered it with ducktape then made me decorate it with those sparkly stickers they made in the early 2000's. He hung it up in the living room for everyone to see. He used it on me too many times.
Jim was the root of a lot of issues. Some are less problematic than others. He told me things like the shadows on my windows at night were monsters coming to hurt me. The one I'm still trying to shake is the one about African Americans. I was five and we were coming home from grocery shopping and we were walking to the car. I remember seeing an African American man it was the first time I had ever seen a person that wasn't white so I went over and said hi to him and he reacted how you'd expect someone to react he said hi back and went about his day. Jim however grabbed me by the arm and took me to the car when we got there he told me "Because you said hi to that black man he is gonna come and kill you tonight." I can't help but remember that every time I run into an African American man. Every therapist I have had explained my fear of them is a trauma response because I'm not scared of African American women or children but I can't help but feel as though I'm somehow racist and it's against my will. It makes me want to apologize for my fear and for my ancestors who were very likely to have been slave owners.
There was only one good time I had at Jim's house that was Christmas. I had gone to bed to wait for Santa and Jim made footprints on the floor to mimic that of Santa Claus and within what felt like an hour I was up opening presents. That was the only time I had hope for something better. That hope was quickly put out. I had Imaginary friends when I lived there. Casper held my developing moral compass, and Jasper was my impulsive thoughts. Jasper was the reason I had taken floss and made a spider web in my room which was fun while it lasted. Casper was the reason I built a castle out of boxes. Jim and Rachel didn't like it After
finding out I had imaginary friends they started giving me something they called a happy pill to make my imaginary friends go away. Still to this day, I don't know what it was.

The worst day I remember was my birthday. It was my first birthday party. I had invited friends it was princess-themed. The cake my grandparents brought had four Disney princesses on the cake they lit up when you pressed a button I think they were Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, and maybe Aurora. I was so excited to have friends there that I waited at the door to greet them. After a couple of hours, I finally realized no one was coming. Years later I discovered it was because Jim and Rachel the parents of the people I invited didn't trust or like them. My grandparents had been there as always they were the only ones I could rely on. I remember they had got me a little mermaid comforter with King Triton, Ariel, and her friends on it along with Tekno the robot puppy. They were taken from me by Jim that night.

My grandparents were the only good thing I had. When I was a baby there were times they had to keep me for a couple weeks to a couple months. When we lived with Jim they would drive an hour and a half to come take me to their house for the weekend. When I was there I could be a kid. I would play with the Barbie doll and Disney princesses while Grandma made dinner and Grandpa watched baseball or I would run around the living room pretending to be Pocahontas while my grandma worked in her office. I'd play video games with my uncle on the PlayStation One. I got in trouble with Grandma once cause he won and I called him a butthead. I'm still a sore loser but I know meaner words for when I lose. They gave me a sense of normal and that was all I wanted. They didn't know something was wrong until the end of one weekend they were ready to go home and couldn't find me. They looked all over the house until they found me in the coat closet hiding cause I didn't want to return to Jim and Rachel.

The worst day at his house I hid in my room and I remember looking out my window and seeing a bright star. Just like every child did I looked at the star and recited the poem Starlight Starbright. I stood there and wished to leave that place and to live with my grandparents. I wanted nothing more. I believe that night the god of the stars or that star heard me cause shortly after that we left but that star had bigger plans.