𝐈𝐭𝐬 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝
It's getting hard again. My head cannot focus on myself but others like I've tried holding in my emotions and all I get back is "you should focus on yourself" but at the same time it's hard when you've been raised to help others and not taught how to help yourself. I just wished that it was that easy to do but that's a hard task to complete when you don't know where to start or end, I'm not sure of how people help themselves because when I ask they just respond with how they cope and I've tried and it's doing nothing and progress isn't really working. I've tried to do everything as much as I can but my battery is low, I don't know how to charge myself back up at this rate I'm in the "what am I supposed to do anymore" because I don't know how to handle myself.
My emotions switch to often I know my high school self wasn't the best being emotionless but now since I've met Kay I have days where my emotions bleed out (physically and mentally) and it gets so overwhelming. I just wished I could understand emotions but it's very frustratingly hard, I just want to find a better safe place since my space is no more 'my space' but nothing. I just want to find my comfort and up to now it's a very unhealthy 'safe' place, and that I just need to find somewhere better rather than going back to my emotionless stage again (very rough time).
The day I find peace an safety is the time I know I'm finally better but let's see how long it'll take as-well if the progress is actually working for me. I hope to one day wake up and be okay an just be free from the mental side of my health. I just feel like crying like now I'm in college sitting down outside and now I just feel like shit, honestly I could cry right now. My head is rushing through thought's especially about my mum had to go doctors because she is in so much pain, I just don't know what to do anymore like everything is going down hill since college started.
I'm lying and acting like I'm okay but honestly I just feel like a melt down is going to start and I'm honestly so drained. I just don't know how to smile no more like I can't even fake it no more, I just feel so drained and I can't lie I feel like relapsing. Some days I'm fine and I'm in one of them days where I question my life existence, and I just want to feel happy again. This world is so boring and mentally and physically exhausting, I just feel like I need a massive holiday and not literally.
