Hellfury

Chapter 20: Auri

Auri had no idea what was wrong with her. She understood that she needed him. Her skin was cold and unfamiliar without his hands on her. She'd grown used to it and to her dawning horror she had missed it.
'What?' he repeated from her side and stared at her.
'I can't tell if this is real or not, I could when you kissed my forehead and when I felt your hands- I don't know if this is real-'
'You can't tell if this is real or not because I'm not touching you?' he repeated.
'Yes.'

Auri sat up and looked at him. She could see him think, she could see him piece together what she actually said and it terrified her. She'd never be able to make him forget this. She could not blame it on the herbs or the pain. She had practically begged him to-
Cahir's hands found her shoulders and he dragged her gently down to him. Placing her head back in the crook of his neck. She expected him to make a snarky remark about her supposed moaning. He turned to look at her.
'This is real,' he said and moved a hand to her cheek. Auri nodded against his palm and kept her eyes on his face.
'I promise you, this is real,' he repeated and moved her head closer to his. 'Ask me how I know.'
'How do you know?'

Cahir placed a hand over her bandaged chest, gently pushing down until he felt her heartbeat and moved his eyes back to her face.
'I know because your heart leaps everytime I do this. It's how I knew you were out of your delirium. Every time you feel my breath on your face and my hand on you, your heart leaps. And when I do this,' he moved his face so close to her his forehead touched hers. 'You hold your breath.'

She did. Auri stared at him, she stared at his tired eyes. She stared as his hand found her cheek again, and she finally understood him when he moved her chin up with his thumb and kissed her.

The fire deep inside her roared. Her skin heated the second his lips touched hers. She felt him laugh against her. Auri lost herself. She lost herself in the taste of him, the taste of stale bread and old wine, the taste of salt and sorrow. Her hand tangled in his hair, gently tugging to make him move closer. Cahir moved away from her but kept his forehead close to hers.
'This doesn't count as touching. You're still healing. I don't want to hurt you.'
'I don't care,' she breathed as the heat moved down to her stomach.
'I do,' he said 'it pleases me to know what I'm doing to you, but your wounds are more important right now.'

Auri looked at him and found only defiance. She should let it go. He wasn't here for her body. He was here for what she could give him. His freedom.
'Look at me,' he said and moved her head again. She rested her cheek against his bare shoulder when he moved his hand down her chest.
'What are you doing?'
'I'm giving in,' he said 'if I looked at you like that you'd give in too,' he ran a hand down her stomach and his gaze softened.
'Keep looking at me,' he said as he moved a hand beneath the furs and down her thigh. Auri tried to keep still as his hand moved over her, gently trailing up her thigh, moving her cloak to the side.
She kept her eyes locked on his face as his finger moved to the inside of her thigh.
'You have to be still, I don't want you to hurt-'
'If you don't do something soon I'll show you how much I hurt,' she breathed into his shoulder and moved down.
'Such an impatient little beast,' he murmured and stopped moving.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream that she had been patient long enough, that she'd finally given in and he punished her for it.
She was about to open her mouth when he moved again, he moved her legs apart and moved a finger through the wetness already gathering-
'Look at me, I want to see your face,' Cahir said and only moved when she looked at him.
She could have burned at the first stroke of his finger. She could have consumed them both with the fire the moment his finger eased inside her. She could have-

She kept her eyes on him and tried not to move her head back as his finger moved in her. His finger curled against her inside and she struggled to feel anything but hot, burning need. Her cheeks heated the moment he quickened his pace and the glow in his eyes made her realize he wanted this as much as her.
'This is real.' he said and added a second finger. 'Do you believe me?'
Auri moaned a reply and kept her eyes on his face. She kept looking at the muscles in his arm flexing when he moved.
'Do you understand why I called you oblivious?' he asked as his fingers curled and curled.
'Yes,' she whispered.
'I couldn't for the life of me understand why you refused to believe me, but I understand now. The picture of me you had in your head fractured when the field burned,' he said and circled his thumb. 'The picture you had of me in your head as Mawr shattered, and you refused to let yourself feel it. You refused to let yourself understand that you knew the moment I placed the dagger above your heart that I'd never be able to kill you.'

Cahir kept looking at her as he removed his fingers.
'Tell me you knew I looked at you then, tell me you knew I counted your breaths-'
'I felt the dagger,' she said, the desperation in her voice made her weak. 'I felt you hesitate. I felt you place your hand where the dagger had been and I felt you shiver- I took your hand-'

She had been terrified but she'd taken his hand despite the terror. She had fallen asleep with her face in his hand, enjoying the cold feeling of his skin against her fire. The betrayal had been clear but she ignored it. Kept hoping that she'd made it up.
'I knew you had me on the field.' Cahir said and moved his forehead to hers. 'I knew I'd never be able to let you go the moment I cut down that man. This is what you do to me. You made me go against everything I believed in and I didn't even think-'
'Why?' Auri asked, aching.
'I'm terrified of your shitty aim,' he said and smirked. Auri shoved the palm of her hand against his shoulder.
'Tell me the truth,' she said and placed her hand on his cheek.
'I want you to live,' he said. 'I want to go to Skellige with you and be free. You are my freedom.'

Auri closed her eyes when his thumb pressed down. Her head hit the soft furs as he moved his fingers again, she focused on nothing but the feeling of him and the sounds he drew from her. His hand found her cheek just as her spine locked up and the shivering moved down from her neck.
'Look at me,' he said again. 'This is real.'

Auri moaned his name again and again as he kept moving his hand. She ran out of breaths and he laughed as he ran a hand over her pink cheeks.
'I never want you to stop moaning my name,' he said and wrapped his arms around her waist. Auri moved further back and tangled her legs with his. He moved his hand over her stomach again, only to soothe this time. She brunt of her pain had gone with the herbs but she was still tired. Her mind was still foggy and the desire left her empty and aching.

She leaned into him with one hand in his hair, begging her mind to let her keep the memories. Auri struggled to understand exactly what she'd done that made him change his mind. She still, somehow, doubted his intentions. Fine, he had agreed not to kill her but that didn't mean her initial thought of him needing her to get to Skellige wasn't real. She shook her head.
'What?' he asked from her side.
'I don't know.'
'You still doubt me?' he asked and looked at her.
'Yes,' she admitted somewhat reluctantly.
'I understand you. If anything, I'd feel the same if I were you.' he said and tucked her closer to him.
'I can't show you the truth any clearer than this. I swear on my life you will be safe with me, I will get your less ungrateful ass on a ship to Skellige even if it kills me.' He said and ran a hand over her head.
'If you still doubt me and want to kill me when we get there you're welcome to try!' The hoarse laugh made her smile as he kissed the top of her head.
'The fire doesn't scare you anymore?' she asked and genuinely wondered. The last time she'd waved a flaming finger in his face he'd looked bored. He hadn't flinched. Not even when the field burnt had he fled.
'I am not scared of you, nor your fire. I'm scared for you. I am scared I'm going to wake up next to a pile of ash one morning,' he said. 'You boiled the stream for hours the other day. I thought you tried to kill me before I understood you couldn't control it.'

'Did I hurt you?' she asked and shivered.
'The water hurt, Triss gave me more herbs for it. I am fine now, a bit sore, but fine.'
'If I don't let it out it will kill me,' Auri began, but he cut her off.
'I know. Which is why I want you to promise me to not let it kill you. You have to do as your mind-ripping rectoress told you. Only let it take what you allow.' Cahir's voice grew serious and she understood him. She knew very well what he feared even if he'd never seen it.

She had seen it. She had seen her mother writhing in agony as the fire burned off her clothes and charred her skin. She had heard the pained screams as her body gave out and her mind broke. Auri remembered very little from that day on the cliff, but the screaming and the burning stayed with her. The smell stayed too. The smell of burning flesh and hair would never leave her. The feeling of her mother turning to ash in her hands was still there in her mind. The way her father slumped to the ground when he found his little daughter curled up in a ball next to a pile of flurrying ash. The terror that marred his face when she told him what had happened.

Ravn had cursed her name once. Only once. The day she nearly burned their house to the ground, wallowing in grief and despair. She had reached for her mothers portrait for the hundredth time to beg her to come back to her, to beg her to still be alive when the sadness took her. The ball of fire had burnt the wooden table next to the door to a crisp and her father had roared.
'Control your hellfury, child. Before you damn us all!'

Auri knew Cahir's fear better than he realized. She'd never been close to crumbling but she felt the pull every time the fire roared. She felt the tether growing shorter every time the fire flickered, and she knew without a doubt that when that rope ran out she'd die.
Auri had thought for the longest time she could control the chaos. That as long as she let it out she'd be able to hold it off. She had failed to listen to Tissaia when she told her that chaos had a cost. Burn too much and it would claim her life.

Auri ran a hand over Cahir's chest and found his eyes still staring at her.
'Come to Skellige with me, stay with me,' she said and placed her head back down on his chest.
'As you wish.'