The Darkest of Truths

Chapter 12

I wanted to sleep when I returned to the room but I couldn't. I couldn't relax. I couldn't sit still, not for a moment. I just kept pacing around the room biting at my nails until there was nothing left to chew but skin. I think one or two started to bleed but I didn't care.

What did he see?

What did he see?

What does he think he knows?

All I could think about was his face, that expression he made in response to whatever Warrick had said to him.

It was all I could think about after Olenna had left.

That seriousness. That judgement.

What does he know!? He doesn't know anything! Blood King! What a joke! He's not a Blood King, he's barely a King. He couldn't even keep himself safe from the dangers of the world and now he thinks he can judge me for surviving those dangers!?

I knew that I was overreacting. I knew that my anger and my fear were twisting my perception. I know that I do it, it has been pointed out to me before. Sometimes I don't even notice that I'm doing it but I couldn't help it. It was all I knew.

The community I found in the Dustlands helped but that took years and everyone there had been through something similar to me. It was what bound us all and this wasn't the Dustlands. These people weren't my people and I didn't belong here.

I want to go home. I want to go back. I don't want to be here anymore.

A childish thought. An impossible thought.

What the King had said was true. If I tried to go home, King Thaddeus would have me arrested and killed before I had a chance to step through the gates. I'd be labelled a traitor to the crown and executed for treason, no trial needed. I'd be dead by lunch and no one would have the power to do a single thing to stop it.

I can never go home. I can never see all of my friends again. Mother Tzul, Wren, Viktor. The last time I saw them was the last time I would ever see them again. I can never go back to the snakes.

The snakes.

Leaving knowing that I would die was one thing but now I may as well have abandoned them. I failed them. I've failed everyone just like I failed my family.

I failed them.

I failed them.

I failed them and the weight of that failure was pushing against my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe. I knew I had to get my emotions under control again. At this rate I was going to have another attack.

Twice in one day. That's not good. Fucking Lunara. I won't let them set fire to a decade of work.

I took some deep breaths and tried to restrain myself enough to stop biting the tips of my fingers and hold them instead, as if someone else was holding them. I ran my thumb along the side of my hand like my mother used to do when she was comforting me, it helped a bit. I had managed to calm down slightly when I heard a knock at the door.

A distinct knock. Freya's knock.

"Hello Freya, you can come in!" I called out and she did, smiling as per usual.

She usually only came during mealtimes with a tray of hot food but this was not the case as I quickly realised that she didn't come with a tray this time. Not that I would've eaten it. Even it had one of those meat pies I had earlier. The thought of food made me feel nauseous and I doubted that I would've been able to keep it down.

"Is everything alright?" I asked, folding my hands behind my back. I probably looked quite formal on the surface but in reality I was just trying to hide the state of my chewed up fingernails. Not only did they look awful but they were further evidence of my weakness. I had already slipped up once and I was determined to make sure that there wasn't a second.