Could Have, Should Have, Didn't - A Narnia Fanfiction

Prologue:

"Don't forget your coat, Ed!" Lucy hollered from the kitchen, her voice carrying through the hallways and ringing in his ears, reminding him of what he was doing, taking him out of his thoughts.

He huffed and reached with his hand to the wooden coat peg on the rack and unhooked it, slipping it onto his shoulders. Grabbing the dark grey newsboy cap off of the mahogany side desk by the door and setting it onto his head, he exited his cousin's house and found the sidewalk.

Fall air messed with his coat and fluttered it out behind him, the cold dusted his cheeks with blush, and his breath flew away in the wind in clouds of white.

This wasn't worth it, he knew it. He'd only get cold and mad and come home in a bad mood.

Yet, something made his feet continue down the gritty sidewalk. Made him not snap at the old people taking forever to walk in front of him. Made him not yell at the dogs yapping at his feet as they pranced by on their daily walk, pulling at their leashes, hurrying their owners along.

There was a reason for this walk, he only took walks in the early morning when no one was around.

He didn't do things out of his routine for nothing, and didn't make room for things in his schedule on a whim- usually.

Today was an exception. Today marked a day in history. Today was awful.

This was a first. Not unexpected, but a first.

Ed had been dreading this day, honestly hoping it would never come.

Today, there would be people he'd see in a restaurant window. Two.

One with blonde hair, the other with deep Auburn curls.

One with a polite smile and the other with an adorable one.

Peter and Rita's first date.

Well, their first official date anyway. There were plenty of times, plenty, when they went "out" for ice cream, went for a walk, or just, talked a lot together.

But this was official. Real. Like they were truly serious. It hurt a bit to think about, but he brushed that away, he wouldn't think stupid things.

Besides, he didn't want to be self-pitying, he only felt a certain way. And just because he felt a particular way didn't mean Rita felt that way too.

She liked the taller, older brother. Peter Pevensie. More mature. Stronger.

Ed couldn't live up to that, but that was alright. Maybe there would be someone else in his life he would fancy. One who'd fancy him back.

Though, if he couldn't receive Rita's feelings, he wasn't so sure he wanted to be liked- or to like anyone else. She was the only girl he hadn't only laid his eyes on and liked- because she'd proven she was the kindest, most passionate, and funny girl in the world, no matter her outer image. Proven she was not indeed perfect as she looked, but broken, and that made her so much more appealing.

Over time, he'd come to the horrifying conclusion that: he loved her. Not just the stir in his heart that happened when he first saw her; no, it was something other than a feeling, though it was that. It was knowledge. It was the truth. In his soul, he simply knew.

He knew he loved her- but he also knew why he couldn't.

There was a reason for all of this- for feeling this way, he was sure. Or, at least, in his mind, there had to be. These emotions- they were for something. But for what? Why?

Maybe he'd never know. Maybe he was messed up. Frankly, he didn't know.

All of a sudden, he stopped. He was at the restaurant. The same one he'd "overheard" that Rita and Peter were going to. Yet, was it truly eavesdropping when the people weren't necessarily trying to keep it a secret? They were only not telling him; not because they didn't want him to know, just because they didn't think he would need to know.

And, he didn't need to know, but he wanted to. Just because he wanted to see them. Together. Even if he knew it would hurt him. For some reason, the tug of curiosity had a hold on him, he wanted to see them. Wanted, really, to see why Peter could make her happier, why he could make her like him so much. What he did.

So, he gazed in the window, hidden by the side of the building, looking past the frost gathering on the window pane, his breath making the condensation grow.

His eyes instantly went to Rita, a fork to her red lips- a shine in the glance she shared with Peter- that he wanted to see forever and ever, but shared with him.

Peter laughed and held his napkin in his left hand, his arm brushing the bench he sat on, the genuine happiness on his face crushing.

Happiness on both their faces.

Then, as he watched them eating together, laughing and talking, guilt formed a knot in his belly. This was disgusting. He shouldn't have come.

What was he even doing? He needed to get home. Needed to stop this obsession. Looking at them in love never did him any good, he didn't know why he still had that sliver of hope that edged into every single one of his thoughts. Dominated his actions.

Ed needed to let go of the thought of her, needed to let go of any hope, he knew; but it was hard.

Too hard. So perhaps he'd have to live like this. Which would be fine. Or, he could attempt something else.

He could push her far away. Try and forget about Rita, maybe it would work; he hoped it would work. That had to be easier than thinking of her.

This pain couldn't last forever- could it?

Someday he had to forget, if he kept trying, perchance the pain might leave- the feeling of love might vanish. The feeling of wanting would flee.

Someday.