Me Against Her (Cate Blanchett x OC)

Mortals

The next few days, which were supposed to be some of the best in my life, were spent in utter agony. Across conference tables, hallways, and lobbies, Cate looked at me like she was waiting for an answer to a question that she had asked in her heart a million times, her eyes filled with wist, longing, impatience, and agitation. 

But these moments, spent in broad daylight, were a breeze compared to nighttime. Our assistant, assuming that she was doing us a favor by saving money, booked us a double instead of two separate rooms. Sleeping in the same room as her but not next to her was excruciating, her suffering radiating across the room even when we were back to back. But I never said a word about it. 

Before bed, she took a lot of phone calls while hiding in the bathroom. Her voice was always muffled, but I could tell that they were personal. So one night, when my curiosity got the better of me, I asked, "Got a secret lover I don't know about?" 

"No," she said coming out in her nightgown, a towel wrapped elegantly around her head, "that was my...therapist. She specializes in...LGBT issues. She's quite experienced, I've made a lot of progress." 

"That's nice."

"It's all anonymous, of course...I've gotten used to conducting my online interactions in a pseudonym." 

"Oh."

Lying on my stomach on my own bed, I resumed my reading. Until Cate's voice rang again. 

"You're fucking exhausting, Edith, do you know that?" 

I looked up at her, stunned. 

"Excuse me?"

"It's like throwing myself against a wall with you. You're impossible."

"Um, in case you forgot," my temper was shooting up like a thermometer dropped in boiling water, "I was the one that busted my ass to get that video and sent Chris to prison. A little more gratitude would be appreciated."

"You know that's not what I was talking about, and you know how grateful I was to you for that. Still, you're running away from your emotions, all the time." 

"What the fuck was I supposed to do after YOU CHEATED on me? Sit at home and be happy about it? You're one to lecture me on emotions..."

"Everyone's entitled to their own emotions...you just never shared yours with me."

 "Well I'll tell you how I feel right now. You have my full permission. There are plenty of hot guys in New York, and even girls too, since your therapy is going so well. Go out there and fuck someone else. Go have a friggin' orgy. Nobody's gonna be there to save your ass if you get filmed again." 

"I don't want anyone else." 

"You really expect me to believe that?" 

"No..." she said softly and sat down on her bed, "I can never...expect you to. I lost that right ever since the day I lost your trust. I only pray that you do." 

"I just don't know what good there is for me to believe it. It'll be like reliving those days all over again."

"I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you, darling. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." she said quietly, "My therapist said I'm struggling because I'm in love with someone who never wants to talk about what really happened between us, and that there's no...closure. But I don't know if I should believe her either. She doesn't even know who I am."

In that moment, it dawned on me that I may have been the only person that she could still talk to as Cate Blanchett, not as an idea of Cate Blanchett. And in shutting her out all of these months, I'd deprived her of that privilege as well. 

Something compelled me in that moment, and I pulled my covers over my head and began sobbing. 

"Hush now," she said softly, sitting down next to me and caressing my hair, "I'm sorry I got angry. You're not exhausting, you're so beautiful..."

"Get away from me."

She did as she was told and went back to her bed without making a sound. After my sobs quieted down, I walked over, sat on her lap, and put my arms around her. 

"I know you probably don't believe it either," I finally said, "but despite everything you've done to me, I still love you. I love you so much." 

"I love you too, E." 

I decided that sitting on her lap was not enough for me anymore. I pushed her knees apart and sunk down between them to the carpet, inhaling her magnificent post-shower scent of green tea and lemongrass wafting from under her nightgown. 

She placed a hand on my neck, "I don't want you to do anything you'll regret later." 

On the contrary, I made her regret saying that in the first place as my tongue traced slowly along her thighs, my head diving deeper into her scent, months of angst dancing on my tongue. Her hand reached down my front to try to finger me, and I pushed it away. I wanted to give her all the pleasure in the world for inexplicable reasons, though deep down I knew I hadn't completely forgiven her yet. I wrapped my tongue around her clit, licking and savoring it slowly for its own sake and without the express purpose of bringing her to climax. Whether because I wanted to live in the moment or to leave her hanging, I wasn't sure. 

Then I lay down next to her, interlaced my legs with hers, and kissed her incessantly. Each kiss an emotion, every touch a confession. All of my unspoken memories rising to the surface. The dull ache of her betrayals thumping in my ribcage. Visions of my supple skin growing wrinkled, losing its form and and crumbling to black dust like a a shattered flower pot; those of the wrinkles flowing around her eyes being preserved freshly under the New York snow, for eternity. I was suddenly hit by an overwhelming sense of my own mortality. And the feverish thought, tearing through my consciousness like a flash of pain, that she could hurt me a million times again, that I wouldn't be be able to bear it, but I'd let her do it anyway. 

I forgot how long we spent holding and exploring each others' bodies, it was a long time, but somehow that night didn't feel sexual to me at all. Neither of us climaxed, nor did we seem preoccupied with it, immersed in a quiet ecstasy that soothed rather than excited us. And we drifted into a long slumber, with the shades open and the desk lamp still on, until a tender sunrise drowned out its sharp yellow hues against the darkness, and all became light. 

When we woke up the next morning, I said, "I want to talk. About everything."