His Always: Book 1 Rhodes Character Series

Chapter 18: Natalie

I wake up wondering if I will ever feel the same again. Will I ever feel safe in my own skin in this lifetime again? I remember having that same thought after my parents died. I couldn't comprehend the often unnoticed comfort of having parents on this planet until I suddenly didn't. Even when I didn't have the most perfect relationship with them, they were still out there. They were still existing in my universe somewhere floating around enjoying their lives, until they weren't. That is how I feel now. I couldn't comprehend not feeling safe in my own skin, until I now. How does one walk around the earth terrified of external factors and internal thoughts?That's no way to live. I place my hand on my stomach – like a expectant mom would do. Like I should have done.

There is a soul out there that was supposed to be mine. My child's. How do I keep existing in a world where they aren't, even though I never existed in a world where I knew they were mine? I blink my eyes open when the first tear falls, not wanting to draw a scene to whoever is in my room. Blinking through the blurriness, I see just Tate, sleeping soundly in the chair next to mine. His hand gripping the blanket that is laying on top of my legs tightly. Like he is scared of what move I will make next.

This is the first moment I feel as if I can trust my thoughts. I can take a deep breath. Stomach still hurts like a bitch. No one is around. For the first time in 36 hours, I feel in control of myself. Careful not to make a sound, I tilt my head back on the pillow and re-close my eyes. Too bad these hospital pillows are as crunchy as shit. I hold my breath scared Tate is going to wake up any second and any sense of calmness will leave me once again. But he doesn't stir.

Okay. Game plan. Well my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, actually beat me and our unborn baby. So obviously going to have to face that fact right off the bat. Lovely. The universe is really wheeling and dealing me the good hands. Stop. Be serious. Something serious happened to you. You can't laugh it off. Watch me. HAHAHA. My own boyfriend can't even keep his damn hands to himself. Actually comical. I laugh out loud. I can't game plan this by myself. I need my legal genius. Hmm...where would my phone ended up in all this mess. I reopen my eyes, but still try to remain as quiet as I can and keep my heart rate as steady as I can to avoid the machine going off.

My phone doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight. Of course not. Why not leave a girls cell phone close. Now that I think of it, I don't even know if my cell phone made it over to Tates. Did I grab it? I close my eyes and think hard but the days are so fuzzy. I can't remember fine details like that. I sit up straighter, causing a pain in my stomach. "Shit." Slips out before I can shut my mouth. Tate shuffles a little. His hand dropping from the blanket. Ahhh. I see his phone on his lap. I can call Madison from his cell. I quietly take the blanket off my legs and shuffle it towards my feet. Every movement seems so much louder than I anticipate. There's no way I can pull this off. I feel myself getting a little lightheaded. Stupid concession. Can't help a girl out at all. I stretch my arm as far as I can go without tugging too hard on my stitches on my stomach. I'm nearly there. I can almost reach. Just a little bit further. Sweat forms on my forehead and I lick my lips once more. Okay – just a little bit further stitches. Don't rip on me or James is going to be pissed. Why did Tate have to put his phone on his lap. It couldn't be on the arm-rest? I can reach that.

Just as I am about to grab it. Tate's arm grabs mine- scaring the shit out of me. I glace up but his eyes are still closed. "Woman." He grunts. He takes an exaggerated inhale. "Can I help you?" He states sarcastically with his eyes still closed. "Shh...you're dreaming. Go back to sleep." I try to say mysteriously. This cracks a smile from him. He inhales once more and peaks his eyes open. He gives me a look as soon as he see's the position I am in. Stretched out to the nines half of my body handing off the side of my bed. "May I ask what you are doing?" He asks as he makes direct eye contact with me. He hasn't moved his hand from my arm yet. The warmness from his body radiates through mine – putting me even more at ease.