Teenage girls guide to happiness 101

Dates

INTRODUCTION

I've been in high school for two years now and I have not once been out on a date, sad yes I know. But I
have assured myself that 1.) I dont need no man in my life, I am a strong black woman 2.) Someday sooner
or later it's gonna happen 3.) There is no actual rush to go on a date anyways, but if you ARE going to go on a date or you just want to be ready for whenever you go on one this will surely help ( at least a little). Now, I know you're probably saying, " She's never even been on a date, how is she supposed to help me?", well the answer is as simple as i've helped a good amount of people on dates and they've gotten very good results. So i'm not exactly calling myself a date guru.... but I am a date guru. These suggestions, tips and ideas are just the basics on how not to end up barfing on your date or accidentally end up making a total buffoon of yourself. Sit, relax and read this very amazing quick guide to dates.

GIRLS

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh finally he asked you on a date, AWESOME! Now, what are you supposed to do? If it's your first ever date you are going to be very anxious and have absolutely no idea what to do or what to say. Let's start off with not over doing it. When you over do something such as laughing too hard at his joke when it was meant to cause a simple giggle or chuckle. Now that doesn't mean you don't laugh at his jokes at all, that would make you look like a boring little bitch, and you don't want him to see you as that, trust me. Don't be too touchy as well. There can be the little flirty touch of your hand on his arm or playful little shove, but don't be all "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SOO HILARIOUS! *wraps arms around him, passes hand all over face, squeezes arms, messes up his hair*." Thats not a very good way to be cute and coy. It just makes you look like a slutty chick trying to get money for last months overdue rent. Try your best to touch him as little as possible ( unless he tries to hold your hand, then let him ) the less you touch him the better.
Acting like yourself is a very good thing to do as well. Don't try to act like a cool girl if you think that you are not very cool. If he asked you out on a date it's probably because he likes you just the way you are *Just The Way You Are starts playing*. If he asked out this one girl and ends up meeting up with the same girl acting completely different, it's a major turn off. Stay cool calm and collected, no reason to freak out and act how you usually never do.
One thing that varies how you act is where the date takes place. If you are going to the movies, then obviously don't talk during the movie. A good tip that you should really keep in mind is no matter how boring the movie is DO NOT FALL ASLEEP. If you just can't keep your eyes open and you feel your head bobbing up and down drink a lot of soda or secretly pinch yourself because one of the worst things you can do is fall asleep during your date. If you are going out to dinner or lunch or even breakfast, obviously do not talk with your mouth open. Even though he saw what you ordered and what you are going to eat, I highly doubt he wants to know what it looks like chewed up and slobbered up in your mouth. Lets just hope that he does the same thing of keeping his mouth closed because if he doesn't then you should really reconsider who you are out on a date with and if you want to go out on a second date because that is super disgusting. Take your time eating but don't make him wait on you. As soon as the food gets to the table don't vacuum it up and be done. That makes you look like your parents starve you or you're just some kind of mindless eating machine.
These are a lot of the reasons why I probably will never go out on a date. I laugh like a hyena on crack, I get nervous around guys very easily, and i'm always the first to finish my food at the table. I'm just a psychotic mess that makes me realize why no one likes me but HEY, at least my mom still loves me.

Boys

Guys, please don't be cocky little garbage cans. Pay attention to her and listen, don't talk only about yourselves, since that is mostly what you like to do. Don't try to make yourself look like the baddest "nigga" around. Try your best to not show off your non existing biceps, because that really makes you look like you're a narcissistic brainless twig. Talk to her about ACTUALLY interesting things in your life and ask her questions about her life. Get a good conversation going and try your best to never let there be dead air between the both of you. That is a major killer to things, makes everything die down. Another thing is to try and refrain yourself from giving her a kiss on the first date. You'll seem like you only want ONE thing about her and I know that you know what i'm talking about. Leave the kiss maybe for the third or fourth date... if you don't bore her to death before then and it actually gets that far. But if you follow my advice and be yourself, you should be able to get to an actual relationship or at least a second date. Another really good tip is to pay for everything whenever you both go out, it shows that you have manners and money. ;]

Both
The best advice that I can give both of you is just keep calm and be yourselves. Give each other turns to talk and use manners that you have been taught by your momma. Listen and pay attention to each other while they talk and keep eye contact. Another reeeaaaaal good tip that should be obvious but it sometimes seems like it isn't is to STAY OFF OF YOUR DAMN PHONES WHEN YOU'RE WITH EACH OTHER!!!! Being on your phone when you are hanging out is really super extremely rude. I dont care if the girl is on her phone or the guy. You don't get on your phone if the other one is on it. Stay off of your phone to show the other one that what they are doing is rude, don't just do it because the other is doing it. If the date gets to the point where you have nothing to do or say that you have to be on your phones, then there probably shouldn't be a second date. Just saying.

There you go guys, a very quick and simple guide to going on dates. I hope its helpful and I also hope that you really consider these tips when going on a date. If you actually do use this advice on a date don't think twice to let me know how it goes.