A/n: Yeah yeah another depressing one. But yeah This is a formal trigger warning. Don't read if you're sensitive to death/suicide or self-harm. Also, I wrote this literally on the instagram app so it sucks serious ass. But it's a short little imagine because Phe and I spent a day trying to make each other cry so. Yeah.
IMAGINE-
Phil went to visit his family up North, figuring Dan would be okay if he left for just a few days. It was only a few days right? Dan had even said he'd call him every night just to assuage Phils worries. So Phil left, rather reluctantly, but he did. The first few nights went without a hitch, the two giggling over the phone. However the third night, Dan didn't pick up when Phil rang. Normally Phil would have imagined the worst, but Dan had been doing better so he figured he had just been asleep. After all, it was 2am, and Dan had been up late with Phil every night since then. In the morning Phil got a text saying that Dan had passed out, just as phil had thought. However that was the only text he got all that day.
When Phil called that night, again he got no answer. By then he was really starting to worry, but he still had two days to go. He debated on just bailing, the bad feeling in his gut growing and growing. Finally he figured that Dan was much more important then his family, so he bought a ticket for the next train back to London. When he arrived at the station, he ran as fast as his unfit body would allow.
He hailed a taxi as quickly as possible, waving his arms frantically until one pulled up. Luckily the driver got the memo, and he hurriedly drove to the address Phil had give him. The black haired boy thanked the driver profusely, and handed him a large wad of notes before exiting the brightly colored vehicle. Phil tripped over his own feet while running up the stairs, and he nearly twisted his ankle because of hard he was running. The sense of dread only grew as he reached the locked door to his flat. He slid the key in and turned it with shaky hands. He couldnt understand why he was in such a panic, but he knew that something was wrong. You know how when you love someone so much that you feel like you know when they're sad or lonely, even when you're far away? Thats how Phil felt ever since he got that text from Dan. He knew he shouldn't have left him, but he did anyways. And now he had to face whatever hed caused. So he stood in front of the unlocked door, gathering the courage to turn the knob and open it, terrified of what he might find. But Phil knew that he had to open that door, because if something happened to Dan, it was his fucking fault. He owed to Dan to go in there and to face him. So he did. He slowly turned the door knob and pushed the door open. He called Dan's name but didn't really expect to get an answer. However he could hear the sound of running water, so he followed it until he reached another closed door. This time he didn't hesitate, instead practically knocking the door off of its hinges.
God did he wish he had hesitated. God did he wish he hadnt opened that fucking door. And god did he wish he hadnt left Dan. Dan Howell, the broken boy he had fallen in love those years ago. The boy who now lay in front of him, pale and lifeless, in a tub filled with red. He could see where thr deep cuts started from the crease of his arm and down to his palm. Phil knew there was no chance he could save him. If only he had been just a few minutes earlier he could have. Dan was gone and Phil was the reason why. If only he had just stayed with him and cared for him. But he didnt and he hadnt and now he had to live with what he'd done.
A/n: Shit hits the Phan real quick
I know I'm going to hell
