Capricorn Christmas

Pints and Wings

My grief had turned into something different and dark that day. I would get over the loss, but I might never get over the feeling of betrayal. I wasn't sure it betrayal was the right word. How could you be betrayed by someone you never had. Betrayed by the potential I guess. I had read in my sister's astrology book that I was a natural grudge holder, but I didn't know how to hold a grudge against a dead guy. The grief I was still holding onto was still there but it had been folded up and stored deep inside of me, probably near my spleen. I would use every ounce of energy to keep it suppressed.

It would be a long time before I ever trusted a guy again and maybe even longer before I had McDonalds. I wasn't sure if it was the food or the situation that had made the contents of my stomach churn for hours after the funeral. I had one day to get myself together before semester two began. Amy and Amanda had been great. They didn't know what to say, so they had barely said anything and without knowing it's exactly the way I was hoping they'd handle the 'situation'.

The semester began and no one even knew what had happened. This was such a big university that Jared's death had almost been irrelevant to the general student population. Things went back to normal very quickly and found myself back in sync with university life. "Good to have you back Jen," Les said as I joined them in a booth at the Copper Mug. It felt like it had been a century since the fateful day outside The Pat where I had broken my ankle with him on our way to 7/11.

Amy and Amanda squeezed in around the other side. "Ya we're back!" Amy announced. "Finals are always such a gong show," Amanda added. "Indeed," Les said, "that's why I went into carpentry." Our server came by and we order more pints and more wings. "Where's this guy you've been seeing," Les asked while everyone else around the table was catching up. The conversations were rowdy and I knew we had privacy even though we were surrounded by friends.

A pint appeared on the table in front of me. "He's dead to me," I said taking a sip of the foam off the top. "Didn't work out eh," Les looked concerned wondering if he should ask any more questions. I knew I could be straight with Les, "No he's like dead to everyone, he's dead dead." "Holy shit!" I could see him searching my face to gauge whether or not I was serious. "We went to his funeral," I featured at Amy and Amanda. "Who was all there?" I could tell he was shocked at the news. "Uh well me and Amanda and Amy. I saw a couple of guys that lived in residence with him that I'd met like once ... and his girlfriend." The only time my tone changed was when I mentioned her.

Les' eyes were as round as the coasters on the table, "Awkward?" I laughed, "You could say that. Thank God someone pointed her out otherwise I would have made an absolute ass of myself. We got out of there pretty quickly after that!" "I can't even imagine," he was shaking his head, "are you okay?" I nodded, "Yeah, but it's had to grieve when we'll you know." The conversation stopped there. I didn't have the experience to explain the combination of grief and embarrassment that I had experienced and Les was good to let it go.

"Broken hearts and broken ankles," he smiled. "Not the Christmas theme I was going for this year." I smiled back. "Well if you're looking to ruin your February break my friend Tyson's been asking about you," he smirked and took another sip of his beer. "Oh ya, is he coming out tonight?" Les nodded his head. "What's his sign?" I asked.  Les shrugged, "No clue." I picked up a wing. "We'll see," I said.