𝗠𝗬𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗔: 𝗋𝖾𝗏𝗂𝖾𝗐 𝖼𝖺𝗌𝗍𝗅𝖾 . ☄ . [CLOSED]

───ㅤpast in the spotlight

REVIEWER: saturnxraine
CUSTOMER: LORAINEJD

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Cover [10/10]

I really like the cover. From afar, it captures readers’ attention with the typography and colors, and when you look closer and see the puzzle pieces and movie reels, it becomes so much better. It’s very high quality and well-made.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Title [5/5]

The title describes the story very well. The main characters go to the past and are actors. It’s straightforward, but it’s hooking and nice to say.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Blurb [4/5]

It has everything a good blurb needs. It introduces the main characters, the conflict, and the stakes. I like your use of questions at the end because it gets the reader interested. It almost feels like a teaser for the book, which in this case, works really well. I do think that you could make the sentence structures a little different so that they flow smoothly. For example, you can omit the “On the other hand” in the second sentence. The rest of the paragraphs can be rearranged and revised to improve readability.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Inception [6/10]

I have mixed feelings about the prologue and the first chapter. I like how it goes straight into the action. However, something about the writing just isn’t exciting. Mostly because I can’t connect to Marianne. It’s told from the POV of Jong, so the readers are experiencing the same language barrier he is. I feel like you could do a lot with that and make it a really important plot point. However, as it is now, it’s just uninteresting. The chapter is basically him waking up in an unknown setting and not understanding what Marianne is telling him. The focus is on the latter when it should be on the former. Because most of the dialogue is in a different language, I just can’t connect to the story. I’m not saying that her speaking a different language is bad; I’m just saying it could’ve been executed better. It has a lot of potential to create conflict, but I feel like it’s not needed for the first chapter. Instead, I’d like to see a description of where he has woken up and how he is feeling. I want to see more panic, confusion, and hopelessness.

If you wake up in an unknown place after having been shot, your main concern shouldn’t be that you can’t understand your co-worker. In fact, the confusion should be with the person whose house you woke up in. To sum it up, this chapter needs more emotion, less dialogue, and maybe a description of the setting.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Plot, Idea and Execution [15/25]

The blurb makes it seem like this story is centered around the main characters in a different time, and how they have to find a camera to go back home. However, the story is more centered around the language barrier between Jong and the people around him. When he hears this voice about how to go back home, he just brushes it off and moves on. I feel like that should be something major and should have more written about it. When he finds out he’s in a completely different year, it seems like he doesn’t care. Of course, he does try to find answers, but there’s no sense of urgency. I can’t feel his confusion or the pressure to understand what’s going on. As the story progresses, we aren’t getting any answers. We’re as confused as we were at the start of the book. There is either no plot, the wrong plot, or the plot is progressing slowly. The idea is good, and the details are well thought out. However, it’s been executed poorly.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Characters and Emotions [5/15]

As the main character, Jong does not act like it at all. He feels like a side character with no importance to the story. You need to remember that the readers are seeing things from his POV. I don’t know Filipino, so I’m feeling the same things he is feeling. However, those feelings aren’t being described well enough. Show, don’t tell. That is the main problem. You are telling me what he is feeling and thinking instead of showing me. As the story progresses, Jong should be growing. He should be finding more answers, having aha! moments, realizing things about the world he is in. He’s always saying he feels something good will happen, feels a sense of mystery, feels something bad will happen. Except he has no reason to feel these things other than because his gut said so. I think that’s mostly because the other characters aren’t being described enough. You add dialogue tags to establish their tone, and sometimes you tell us their facial expression, but you should be telling us their body language. Not only will that immerse the reader, but it will give insight into what type of person everyone is.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Writing Style and Tone [5/10]

Let me say it again. Show, do not tell! I cannot connect to the story because I can’t feel the emotions or mood. Is this a sad moment? A happy one? A confused one? I’m being told but not shown. It’s especially hard when you don’t know what the dialogue says. Even if I did understand what was being said, there still needs to be a balance. This story is 90% dialogue, 10% description and 0% action when it should be 40% dialogue, 40% description and 20% action, at least for this type of story. If there’s one thing you need to take away from this review, it’s — show, don’t tell.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Grammar Point [15/20]

There’s nothing particularly wrong with the grammar, but there are a few places where it sounds incorrect.

/ 🔮 / TOTAL ── [65/100]

–TEAM DREAMERS–