ARE WE END GAME?

(O)pportunity

SPENCER

I did it all way too soon and way too close in time. It was meant to explode in my face at some point, but I was naive again to think I had everything under control.

I did not.

"I haven't seen you in a month, Spencer. I was almost surprised when you booked a session."

I sat in Dr Spears' office, trying to collect my thoughts so that he'd be able to help me organize them. Not only that, but I was having a hard time.

"I messed up."

"By doing what?" He asked.

I passed a hand on my face in anxious repetition.

"I thought I could handle it all, but it's becoming a lot. My career, the responsibilities and expectations from people close to me, excelling in school... I feel like I can't breathe anymore." I admitted.

"Whose expectations are you trying to fulfill, Spencer?"

"Everyone! My mom wants me to finish school, my friends want me to keep socializing, my team wants me to be focused but at the same time marketable, and Liv... I don't even know what Liv wants from me."

"Did they tell you that?"

Dr Spears asked, bringing my attention back to him. I shook my head as an answer.

"Spencer, you're speaking of things people have not expressed to you, but that you assumed they were demanding from you. Do you see how this can fault your judgment?"

His question was valid, but my mind did not want to listen. I just wanted to be able to talk to someone.

"Sometimes, when we get much more than what we've bargained for, we tend to look elsewhere for someone to blame... when at times, we are the responsible ones."

"What should I do? How can I choose between school, my dream, and my fiancée?" I asked.

"Is Olivia a part of the weight on your shoulders?"

The way he turned his sentence made me realize how wrong my statement sounded. How could I even put Liv at the same level as two temporary instances, when she was supposed to be my forever?

"Not at all. It's just... moving in together around the same time that so many things changed in my life was a risky decision. It all changed way too fast."

I leaned back against the couch while explaining what I meant.

"Do you regret moving in with Olivia?"

"It's the timing that was not the best. I can't even focus on us, because I'm trying to maintain a dream that was so damn hard to attain. She deserves my full attention, and I can't even give her half right now, because the other part of me is worried about still making it at school!"

Everything always came out so naturally with Dr Spears.

"Then why did you do it?" He questioned, writing something down in his notebook.

"That's the thing, I didn't. She's the one who surprised me with everything."

"Does she know how you feel?"

"Of course not."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Why would I do that? It would tear us apart!"

"Isn't it already? You're telling me how you have to choose between three different things. Pick just one, and stick to it. In your opinion, what is the hardest one to give up, right now?"