Ares is sick.
She sees nothing but four white walls closing in on her as they put poison in her veins and allow for it to heal the sickness in her body.
Ares is alone.
She hears nothing but her heartbeat and the sound of time as it slowly comes to...
I can't feel anything. I can't see anything, and slowly a thought starts to form that I am nothing. I am not living. I am not breathing.
I just am.
I thought I would feel fear. It had always been a scary thought to me, the idea of dying. Of not knowing what was beyond life.
I thought of God. Of the God I had been named after. Of the one person who I thought of as my own savior.
But these thoughts scatter away. I want to reach for them and pull them back but I'm slipping into nothing.
I am not even a presence.
There is nothing.
I am nothing.
* * *
Being pulled from the darkness is scary. One moment there is nothing in you. Like closing your eyes and falling asleep and not even knowing what time of day it is outside. Never opening your eyes and just carrying on in the darkness.
But when you are pulled from it, and made aware of just how void that space beyond is - it's scary.
It's frightening.
It's the most profound sensation and nothing, nothing in this world can beat that fear. Of seeing a vision of what hell may look like and coming back to survive on earth.
I feel hands holding my own. I hear crying. I want to reach out.
I want Conrad.
I want my dragon by my side. I need him. I need to feel his fire as he protects me. To be encompassed in his warmth.
I need my soldier to fight my battles, because I'm too tired now.
I'm too tired to fight.
I think I hear his voice. Don't you dare fucking give up.
Let me go.
The darkness was scary but at least in that void there was no pain. I've been in pain for so long. No little girl should know what pain like this feels like. No child should know this.
I was pushed into battle too young. I didn't know how to hold my sword or use it to protect myself. I am the God of war, but I was not ready. I was not ready for the blood I saw and the destruction I would feel.
I fought, it's a whisper in my head, I fought for my dragon. But mainly, I fought for myself. For my soul. For the things I had yet to do. The memories I had yet to make. For the people who would be a part of my life in the future, the children I could have that the world will now never know. For the animals I haven't petted, and the books I haven't read. The places I need to see, the food I need to eat, and the knowledge I need to learn.
How terrifying.
That life only gave me these short 10 years.
Maybe God is real and he showed me a glimpse of grace in the form of a thirteen year old boy. Maybe this was all a dream and Conrad had not been a dragon but an angel. Something from the divine to protect me.
God, I haven't prayed much, but I am praying now.
Let me be able to see him one more time, Lord.
One more day.
Just one more.
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Can I update everyone and say that I am currently sick (AND I MEAN SICK) and I have officially lost my voice as of now *sad face* (that's it, I just wanted to inform everyone about my misery).
