A Song of War

eight

Mare intra me est

the sea is within me

*       *       * 

The day the doctors declared that there was no more cancer in my blood, was also the day that I turned eleven.

Mama celebrated, cheering and throwing a small party in my room. The only other person I knew who would come was Heidi. Several of the nurses, doctors, and staff, stopped by to celebrate with mama.

I wasn't sure if it was real. I'm not sure why they so easily accepted this news. I had been fighting for so long, that suddenly stopping left me dazed and confused. I didn't know where to put my turmoil and lost emotions. I didn't know how to pour out my grief.

I think Heidi saw this in me. I felt ashamed that I clung to sickness because it was the only identity I had ever known.

A woman came into my room the next day. She talked to me in the most soothing voice, letting me pour my worries and troubles to her. A counselor, is what Heidi told me. I liked talking to the woman. I knew it was because I had never been able to freely converse with others. I had been trapped in a room, chained to the bed with my wires, and greedy for the company of whomever felt like coming to see me.

I had always craved conversation. Watching tv shows and movies, my dream at one point had been to have the biggest family I could. To have more children than I could count so that my world was able to expand and grow. I think it's why I had wandered around the hospital at night. I had wanted someone, anyone, to see me. To know my name and use it.

Petra was good at her job. Sometimes I thought she was too good. I had never been one to hold back what I was feeling, or to hide the truth, but I always felt embarrassed at the confessions I told her after she was gone.

I heard her talking to mama outside my door. Telling mama that I was better, and should be outside in the real world with other kids.

It had made mama upset. In the past I hated mama being upset, but now I couldn't understand the reason for her tears. I couldn't understand her fears of losing me when that had already happened.

"She won't let me go outside," I stared out the window, trying to remember what the sensation of grass between my toes felt like. I couldn't recall ever doing something like that.

Heidi's hand soothes down my head.

With the stop of the treatment, and my declaration of wellness, I was hoping that my hair would begin to grow back. I would grow it, and never ever cut it. I would become like Rapunzel and have it wrapped around my neck like a scarf. Maybe I would use it to escape this place.

"She is worried about you," Heidi said.

I've been able to detect people's emotions from an early age. It helped when trying to understand the mood of the doctors and nurses whenever they delivered news to me. I knew from this long practice and training, that Heidi was upset. She was upset at mama.

Mama was slowly turning into a villain in my eyes.

I could understand now the anger Conrad felt when he first saw her. I had been sad at his hate, but now, I wish I could take back time and yell at her with him.

"I want to leave," I whispered to Heidi. I wanted to go. Away from this hell. I never wanted to step foot in a hospital ever again.

I see Heidi's jaw tense. See the flare of emotion in her eyes. Her hand comes to rest on my shoulder.