My Inner Demons: The Rise of a Devil

Chapter 23: Confession

Erwin: So that's the plan more or less. They may be planning to kidnap you to put a stop to the Wall Maria plan. I have drawn up copies of the formation with you in different areas. If they attack then we'll know. You will be in the center where it's safest with Levi's squad.

Y/n: Understood. I'll do my best to root out these traitors.

Erwin: Don't push yourself too hard. We need you in peak condition.

Y/n: I won't.

Erwin: Good. You're dismissed.

I saluted and turned to leave. Walking down the hall knowing that any one of my comrades could be a traitor had me on edge. I didn't want to believe it but I had no choice. If the Commander, one of the smartest people I knew, was sure of it, then I felt like I had to believe him. The mere thought that I'd been sleeping in the same area as the people who destroyed my home made my anger well up. I'd never been very chummy with anyone, but the fact that I might have been talking to my enemies without knowing it pissed me off. I unknowingly clenched my fists as I went through the corridors.

Mikasa: Y/n?

I stopped walking and turned around. Mikasa was leaning out of her dorm looking at me. She seemed to have a red hue to her cheeks but it was probably because she had her scarf on and it was warm inside the outpost.

Y/n: Hey.

Mikasa: Are you okay? You seem on edge.

Y/n: That's because I am. The stress of everything is getting to me I think. If I don't prove that I can be trusted then my life is forfeit.

Mikasa: As long as I'm alive, I'll fight to make sure that won't happen.

Y/n: Thanks Mika.

She blushed a little bit and looked at the floor. I remembered what Eren said earlier about talking to her if I wanted answers. I didn't know if I'd be swamped with chores again so now was the best possible time to bring it up.

Y/n: Are you free right now?

Mikasa: Yes.

Y/n: Good. Come with me then.

Mikasa: Where to?

Y/n: No idea, just come.

Mikasa: Okay.

She closed the door to her room and followed me. I discreetly led her outside and away from the outpost but still within its perimeter. There were a bunch of tables bolted to a block of cement outside in the field behind the outpost near the well I destroyed when transforming.

Mikasa: So what did you bring me out here for?

Y/n: Because we need to talk.

Mikasa: About what?

Y/n: The way things have been between us the last several days.

Mikasa: What do you mean?

Y/n: I mean how you've been so dead set on making sure I'm safe. You seemed ready to disobey orders in Trost before we were deployed into battle. You asked me to come find you if anything went wrong despite knowing I could handle myself. Why was that?

Mikasa: I just wanted you to depend on me. I wanted to protect you the same way you did for me.

Y//n: Tell me the real reason.

Mikasa(confused): Real reason?

Y/n: Yes. Ever since you came to live with us, you have always been close to me and have never once hesitated to put yourself in harm's way for my sake. That's not something just anyone will do.

Mikasa: W-Well I-

Y/n: Mikasa, do you have feelings for me? Is that it?

Mikasa: W-What? Why would you say that?

Y/n: I'm not stupid. I may not have been the most receptive guy when it comes to this sort of thing, but the way you've been glued to my side for years has made me think you feel something more than the relationship we've had for the last six years.

 She looked away from me and tried to hide her face with her scarf.

Mikasa: I hate that I feel this way. Out of everyone, why did it have to be you?

Y/n: So it's true then, isn't it?

She nodded as her face turned a bright red. I could see what this was doing to her. All these years, she'd harbored these feelings for me and had pushed them away but now they were violently erupting.

Mikasa: We've been like family for so long, I feel disgusted because of how I feel. Eren said I shouldn't be but I can't help it. I wanted to tell you and get it off my chest but then Trost happened and I thought you were dead. When I saw you emerge from your Titan I was so happy. I thought I might have a chance after all.

I sat and listened as she poured her heart out to me. Deep down I always figured this would be a possibility but I never thought it would happen. It was tearing her up inside. With it being confirmed, I didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't deny that I cared deeply for her, but I also couldn't allow things like love to cloud my judgment. I knew that if I were to accept her feelings then I would prioritize her over the Scouts and that was something I couldn't risk doing.

Y/n: I can't imagine what it must have been like keeping this locked away.

Mikasa: It hurt so much, I wanted to die and leave it all behind. I just...I'm conflicted. One part of me wants to hold onto this all while hoping that you feel the same, but the other part of me wants to throw this away and forget about it. I don't want to ruin what we have. I don't want to lose you again.

I got up from where I was sitting and approached her. I pulled her into a hug without caring about what she might do. She was in dire need of someone to lean on and I'd be damned if I let someone else fill that role.

Y/n: You will never lose me. I will always be there for you, but I can't be what you want me to be right now. There's just so much at stake here and if I were to reciprocate your love, then I'm afraid I'd prioritize you above everyone else and I can't do that. I'm a Scout, and that means the mission comes first. Even though I can't give you an answer now, I will someday, I promise you.

Mikasa(dejected): Okay.

I raised her chin with my hand, forcing her to meet my gaze. I felt awful about rejecting her when I saw her grey eyes peering into my blue ones. She was desperately hoping for a different answer so she could be at peace with her feelings but I'd shattered that hope. I cared for her a lot but I wouldn't be able to think about this seriously for a while. Maybe once Wall Maria was taken back I would be able to give her the response she wanted.

(A/n: You probably looked at the title and thought "Finally, they're gonna get together!" Sorry to disappoint, but that isn't the case. In the original story, they began a romance right after the trial, but this time it will be a slow-burn type thing. Don't worry, I know exactly when they'll get together so you don't have to wonder if I'm going to delay it indefinitely.)