Plexure (leo Valdez x male reader)

29) The past will always haunt

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I went back to the titan war, the one last summer. I tried to put it all behind me, pretend that it never effected me—it did. I was now always looking over my shoulder. Who can I trust? Can I trust the guy that was assigned to help me clean the armor? Can I trust the ones I go on quest with? Can trust to people I call friends? Can I trust myself to continue on like this?
I lost so much during that war, but I also did so much that I felt like I deserved it. I deserve losing all that I lost because I don't deserve them. I never did. They did so much for me, saved me millions of times, what did I do for them? Let them die and do nothing to save them.
I did so much mistakes and I can't say it was because I was young, no. I was young, too young to even go to war and fight these monster. Hell I almost fought gods at the age of twelve. But I caused so much damaged. I let so many people die giving them rage to fight on, letting their emotions get the better of them. Then, they died because of it.
So much damage. I made alliance with gods I was not suppose to because for a second I truly believe we wouldn't make it out alive. Maybe we wouldn't have if she wasn't on my side. Maybe I would be died if she didn't save me.
My first mother was there to save me, where was my real mother? Where was she when I needed her? She was always busy, never there. But when I don't want her, when I want nothing to do with her she comes back. As for forgiveness as if she didn't throw out our relationship like nothing. From what I know, I am her only child, what was she busy on anyways.
So, she came and asked if I needed help. How could I say no? We were losing, it was become a lost battle. I didn't want to lose, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to bow to Kronos. I wanted to win, to live, to bow down to no one. The first mother was there. She helped me defeat all that I needed. She gave me victory, not my mother. Where was she?
Gaea helped me. She lead me to where I needed to be. She gave me her powers when I needed it. Now she is the reason why the great prophecy has begun. She is the reason why all the gods have gone silent and begun to fear what is coming. So I now have been chosen to go on a quest with people I don't know. People I never met before. One is the son of the big three. What did I do to deserve to be a part of the eight? What good have I done?
At the age of twelve, I went on a quest with Percy, Annabeth and Grover finding Zeus lightning bolt. Finding out Luke was a part taking with Ares. Finding out Luke betrayed us all.
Age thirteen, I went to the sea of monsters with Percy. Met Circe and saved Grover from the Cyclops. Luke was in his yacht getting his plan to work and trying to get the golden fleece from us. Luke's minions almost killed me if it wasn't for Tyson.
Fourteen I went on the quest to find Annabeth and save Artemis. I went on a quest with the hunters of Artemis. This was also during the time I got close to Thalia. I fought Atlas with Artemis and Zoe died because I couldn't save her. We thought we killed Luke, but we didn't. His plan was only going as it was planned.
Fifteen, when I went to the labyrinth. I almost died in this quest and almost lost Percy. This was the moment where my life was starting to change. I wasn't able to sleep, I was trying everything to do everything right, to be perfect. I killed so much in this quest. Lost so much even though it was just the beginning. Finding Daedalus workshop was the best thing during this quest. Luke was dying because he gave his body for Kronos to come back. I started losing every faith I had on winning. I did so much and regret so much.
Sixteen when I final battle happened. Where I lost everything. I fought so much demons to be where I was during that time. Seeing Luke die gave me so many emotions. He did it all for us, yet he did nothing at the same time. He killed himself to save us, but he killed us in the beginning.
Was I traumatized? I couldn't tell. I was numb by the end of it. I lost Beckendorf and Silena. The people I hang around the most. Beckendorf craved the names in my dagger. Silena made me an anklet. I don't use the dagger unless I have no choice. I never wore the anklet scared that I would explode with emotion.
I lost my trainer and someone I looked up to. He made me suffer so much just for him to save me in the end. How can I let that happen? Luke was the person I looked up too. He then became the person I despised. To the person I cried about for saving me.
I am the weak one. I realized that pretty quickly and became calm and collected. My mother is known to be like that, so why can't I? I have nothing more anymore. I can cry all I want alone, but with everyone I will be stronger because when I can no longer be strong, I will be able to breath. I don't want to breath.
Let me suffer a little more.
I deserve it.