shadows and silhouettes

mess

The first time I liked
someone who wasn't
just a figment of my imagination
had never happened

I'd pictured how it would go
a million times
I'd imagined smiling for days straight
butterflies appearing at my own volition

The first time I liked someone
is happening now and
I can't stop thinking about your laugh
it's my favourite sound in the entire list of sounds and

I hug myself tight
just to put a stop to the shaking,
I sleep so I can
stop the crying
and the anxiety churning
in my stomach with all the reasons
you'll leave.

Never in my wildest fantasies
I'd pictured myself a mess.

I finally have something
I can lose
and
I am so
scared.