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Chapter 19

I stood in the centre of the communal area, finding the couches and tables were missing. I turned to my side to two people opposing each other in the distance. They appeared to be arguing. I could see their lips move and the scowls on their faces but somehow I could not hear anything.

One pulled out a knife and held it against the other's throat, plunging it in and sliding it across. My feet moved on their own and I stood in front of the scene. The body hit the ground with a loud thud. I felt the blood spray onto my clothes. There was so much of it. The viscous liquid pooled around the body so quickly that the mass began to seep into the ground. The body turned their head and laughed maniacally, blood pouring out of all orifices.

Another nightmare startled me awake. I sat up in the dark, watching the inky blackness swirl and warp into outlines. A body upright tumbled in slow motion till it hit a horizontal plane and dissipated. The cold sweat hanging off my brow fell onto my hand. I rubbed my face into my hands and pushed them up to comb through my hair. All thoughts of sleep were abandoned. 

I surveyed my surroundings in the darkness. All four beds were in use. I scratched my head in confusion, Mingi and Jongho were my usual roommates. I padded quietly to the unknown occupied bed, peering over the heap of blankets. It was Yeosang. I watched the bulk of the blankets rise up and down steadily. The dispute must've been just as exhausting yet I went lights out on him. A bit guilty, I tiptoed out as carefully as possible to not wake the other three.

Through the darkness, I padded my way to my office. I felt around for the light switch and pulled down. Instant regret. My retinas burned from the cruel onslaught of photons barraging my photoreceptors. I blinked rapidly to rid of the white masses in my periphery and scanned the vicinity tiredly. My attention caught on the papers remaining on top of the table. They were the drawings I completed with Cynthia. Complicated feelings arose as I picked up each one. Unfamiliar papers were tucked behind the drawings. I uncovered the papers to find letters addressed to her deceased friend. 

Dear friend,
I've met somebody who looks exactly like you. She's also as awkward as you too. It's almost uncanny how close she resembles you. She's way too pure and cute, unlike you. Haha. I don't feel like writing too much. 
Signing off,
Cynthia 

Dear friend,
I haven't been amazed by anyone else in a long time. It's a coincidence that she looks just like you. (though 100% find her cuter than you) I'm still going great. As for the group, they're doomed. I always hoped that you would've taken over and changed the Black Tiger Outlaw's direction but now you can't. I respect your decisions as always but I can't help but hold it against you that you decided to leave me behind. Your cousin Ethan is not going to be happy when he finds out. I just hope I can survive his psychotic episodes if it happens again. Okay I'm rambling now. 
Signing off,
Cynthia

Dear friend,
How's life treating ya? Or should I say afterlife? I don't think I can bear the guilt. I'll just risk my life so I don't carry around the burden of murder despite probably having indirectly murdered many. Likewise, how did you bear the guilt or did it just eat you alive until you decided to run from it all? As you can tell, I am still salty that you left me behind. Stay crazy in the afterlife. 
Signing off, 
Cynthia

Dear friend,
It feels like you haven't left my side. Remember you used to daydream all the time, think of things that you couldn't do yet you would always learn new skills out of spite of yourself and the leader. The focus, determination and curiosity from her reminds me of the old days. I regret not stopping you from dying. As selfish as it is, I do want these sparse moments I find you in her to last forever, keep her by my side as if you are still here. Of course I know my boundaries.
Signing off like always,
Cynthia

Missing you, my star. 

I placed the papers back onto the table. It felt invasive and personal but each letter was filled with raw emotion that piqued my curiosity about this person. It was just the tip of the iceberg of Cynthia's affection for the friend, seemingly held more than just friendship. I did not forget the pain that flashed through her eyes every few times I caught her watching me. I leaned back into the chair and sighed.

What good did any of this overthinking really do for me?

My fingers tapped the table in contemplation. I took another look at Cynthia's drawing. It was a half decent bird, just weird proportions and questionable shapes for feathers. The thoughts dragged onto another. The blue jay. I stared off at the wall, feeling a trance take hold of me. My body felt lighter and disconnected from my head. Despite the light sensation, my limbs were heavy and sluggish to move. The wall became translucent in front and I frowned. This, in any way, was not normal. A grey concrete building came into view. I watched the scene, realising that it was in first person, as if I was viewing somebody's memories. 

* * *

I found myself entering the building, descending the numerous stairs to reach a basement. A crowd of people wearing hoods concealed their identities. They gathered around a concrete slab, whispering in agitation amongst themselves. I stayed put, hair covering my face. I pulled the hood down even further and sauntered to the rear. Again I caught a flash of blue in my periphery and fixed my attention on a chain that held something above, anchored into the ground. A blue bird darted from the ceiling and flew directly at me. My mind was screaming at my limbs to move. My body was heavy like lead, simply refusing to follow such demands. Just as its beak was about to embed itself in me, I ducked. 

* * *

I found myself back at the base. I waved my hand in front of my eyes in disbelief. The wall I zoned out at was very much solid and still bare. A faint rattle from the corner of the room alerted my senses to snap out of my befuddled daze. I sat up, eyes trained at the cluster of cabinets the noise could've been from. I got up, crouching slightly in caution and slowly side stepped to the cabinets. 

"What are you doing?"

My heart shot up my throat. I jumped a little and whipped my head around. It appeared I wasn't the only one unable to fall asleep. The captain appeared at the door with dark circles. His pale face betrayed signs of exhaustion. I didn't think mine looked any better. When I didn't make a move, he did, covering the mere metres in a few steps. I tried to read his eyes, but it riddled me the more I searched behind those intricate designs. One thing was clear, he was wary. 

"So, are you going to tell me?"

I would if I could. I tapped the base of my throat and cracked a humourless smile.

Hongjoong only raised an eyebrow in response. He was not amused. 

"Well?" 

I handed the papers I read to Hongjoong. As he went through the letters, I flicked through my notebook. I stopped at the sketch of the blue jay. It was much older, maybe months prior. I frowned in the struggle to recall the reason for the sketch. He sat down. I lifted my head and found him intently studying my sketch. 

"You remember anything?" 

I scoured my memory, a little unnerved by the unblinking stare I got from the man opposite me. It would be strange to admit to somebody that the blue bird was recurring in my dreams and visions. My denial was a little slow, rousing suspicion from the captain who sat back, not once did his eyes leave my face. 

"Mind telling me why you aren't in bed?"

I internally scoffed at the question. What was he? My dad? On second thought, might as well be. 

Nightmares. 
Hongjoong gestured for me to continue. 
It's the same scene. 

I stopped, fearing I would see it every time I closed my eyes. Insistent tapping from my finger meeting the table filled the silence between us. I dared to steal a glance at him. He stared off with his arms crossed over one another in deep thought. I simply sat where I was, letting my thoughts run around, completing a journey from the topic of birds to jumping the train of thought to computers. 

"It isn't easy," Hongjoong broke the silence, "but we all grow around it, take your time." 

He stood up and left, leaving me to ponder on his sudden words of wisdom.