Letters to unknown

Watercolor eyes

Dear S

Since I only have a few more days to talk to you before you're gone ,I'd like to tell you more about myself, although it might not be as pleasant as expected it is the truth.

I've spent my entire life being second best at everything. I've spent my entire teenage years being sad and depressed and sometimes wonder what would my life be like if I just lived , even if it was a little. I wonder the adventures I would have went on and people I would have met along the way , instead I was a coward who always hid behind someone, scared and insecure to get close to anyone.

I feel like people don't really know the real me , I mean how could they see past the facade , see what truly lies beneath...

At school, you know me as the one that always smiles. I come to school every morning with a smile and bring positivity to those who need it , but sometimes when I'm alone in my room and all the lights are off and there's not a person in sight...I silently cry into my pillow , drowning in loneliness and self doubt.I often talk to God because he is probably the only person that would listen and ask him if he truly made a mistake bringing me into this world...a person with no direction, discipline or ambition for anything, just a girl.

I don't know if my life would get better, I feel like it won't. I don't know what to do S , I don't know. I feel like I'm taking space on this earth , when it deserves to belong to someone with purpose, I feel as if I don't have any purpose being here...Like I don't belong. It is you that keeps me from falling , but it is you that causes me the most pain...

I hate how jealous I get when you hang out with everyone else beside me .

I hate that I want you so much , that I can't think of anything else.

I hate that I'm your friend and you would never see me as anything more.

I hate how you smell like fresh mints at 8 in the morning

I hate when you laugh at the jokes she tells you , and how your eyes shine when you look at her.

I hate how my happiness depends on if you look or talk to me that day

I hate that my grandma still mentions your name and how my heart sinks everytime she asks about you.

I hate that I have to admire you from afar and never share my feeling with you.

I hate hate hate how much I love you S , it consumes my every being.

Your Friend.