My Stolen **first** Kiss

After effect

I guess it is also my fault,I am not the victim.
Yes my first kiss was stolen,but I kept giving it away over and over.
Does that make me a b*tch? A sl_t? A wh0re??!?
How could I have been so stupid and blind.

This ...all this and more made me hate myself.
I couldn't focus at school, my marks were dropping
I wonder how he sleeps at night knowing he manipulated me so.
I wonder if he ever felt bad,couldn't he see all the hurt it brought me,he made me insecure about myself, I already was but he just increased it.I am paranoid when people touch me now.

I hate him but I love him - I know it's not love but infatuation but still,why did and do I have to have it towards him.
The love I have for him should be family love.

He hurt me but made me happy at the same time.
I wonder if he had or has a girlfriend and how he treats her, I really do hope if he does,he treats her with love and like a jewel/queen.
I still fantasize and dream about him and how it would be if it were allowed for the two of us to be together.
But why would he want a girl like me?

Why would he want such a broken girl
A girl who is insecure
A girl who is just a mess,a f*ck up!!!

I just wanna die sometimes.

They say never cry over a guy,how do I not do that when the guy is my cousin ... What we did is unforgettable.
I know I talk like we slept together but I mean I was only 13.I didn't know anything,I haven't even dated yet but I have had my first kiss ... I tense up when I am asked if I have ever kissed or dated a guy because I know I have to lie and say I have never been kissed.

I don't even know what to say
I just wanna let it all out but not sure how
I have tried many different ways ...some have helped and some not but they have all failed to help me take it "all" out.

I need advice but I don't know from who and how ... I am just fed up of feeling like this all the time,I hate feeling like a sl_t and wh0re. I know I have done something wrong but I keep being tolded that it's not my fault and that it's his ... It sure doesn't feel like that.

This is the after effect my cousin had and has on me. I dread the next time my family has to meet again because I don't know what's gonna happen and I refuse to tell one of my family,they are gonna kills us then dance on our graves.