Stupid Deaths of BBC Ghosts

Humphrey Bone

Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths,

They're funny 'cause they're true

Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths, 

Hope next time it's not you!

"Next!" Shouted Death, running a hand down the list of names. He yawned. It had been a long day of relatively boring stories, and even the Grim Reaper got tired sometimes. He looked up as a very short man sidled into the room. No, hang on, he wasn't short, he just had no head. Death did a double take, wondering how on earth (or beyond it) this man was going to explain his death if he didn't have a mouth. 

"Oi! Down here." Said a voice, and Death peered over the edge of the table to see the hands were clasped around a head, which was looking up at him, and smiling slightly. 

"Humphrey Bone, 1575 before you ask." 

"Right, 1575." Said Death to himself, leaning back to write it on his paper. As an afterthought, he added, "Do you think you could, you know, lift up a bit. So I can see you better."

"Oh, yes, of course." Humphrey gave three slight wiggles to the left, and the hands promptly lowered him down a foot. "No, left means up." He sighed to no one in particular, and wiggled three times to the right, to which the hands lifted him up to chest height. "That's much better." 

"So, Humphrey, as you're a Tudor, and for obvious reasons, I'm guessing Beheading?" Asked Death, stifling a yawn. 

"Well...." Said Humphrey sheepishly. 

"Oooooh!" Said Death, leaning forward. "Tell me more. Tell me!"

"I had no idea, but my French Wife was plotting to kill the Queen, and the authorities got wind of the scheme,  sending guards to the house. I told Sophie to run, and held the door shut as long as I could."

"But the guards broke it down and executed you for a crime you did not commit?" Finished Death, already breaking into a small smile.

"No, actually. I got away and hid up the chimney."

"And you choked on the soot and died?" Death tried again. 

"Not quite. I survived the chimney, and when the Guards left I climbed out, but I knocked the two swords above it. And they err...they fell down and sliced my head off." He looked at the floor awkwardly, as Death burst out laughing. He rolled around in his chair for a few seconds, shaking with uncontrollable mirth, before looking to the wig clad skeletons on either side. 

"That's three yeses! Congratulations, you're through to the afterlife! And you're also the first person to get a yes from Louie here." He gave the Skeleton a dirty look, as Humphrey thanked him, and the body awkwardly trundled through the silver gate.

Death shook off the last of his laughter, turning to the list yet again. "I know I say it every time, but I love my job! I really do. Next!"

Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths

Hope next time it's not you!