ETERNAL SOUL || tom kaulitz & y/n

im sorry.

• 𝟤𝟢𝟢𝟥 •

𝖸／𝗇'𝗌 𝗉𝗈v

it's been two years since i got raped and attacked.
words can't describe what i'm feeling, two years
later and everything still feels like yesterday, it was painful, and disheartening and it felt like i lost my spark. i just haven't been the same since. i was 11. and i had to act as if nothing happened, i knew what happened to me and so did my mum, she was there. my dad, he raped me and i have to just live with it. he choked me, threatened me and scared me. he swore to me a day after that he was just drunk and that he didn't mean it but why wouldn't my mum just try and stop me, why me?

i still remeber everything like it's was yesterday and still remeber each word that night and the next day when i went out. i started drinking, really bad in fact. sometimes i would have 3 bottles of vodka in a row and just pass out in the middle of a random field and not come back for days, i got into the habit of smoking and sometimes, drugs. no one could stop me, no one knew either, i don't plan on telling them either, who would belive a 13 year old kid that they got raped and only told two years later? no one. even tho i'm 13 i look atleast 15. the drinking and smoking habits made me now look older. i think my brother got the suspicion of my smoking, as every time i come back i smell like cigarettes. i'm very drained.

i think he also got the suspicion that i'm drinking. as sometimes when i'm drunk and wear makeup i cry, a lot, and go to town alone and sometimes see my brother, he always notices me but i don't, i walk past him probably loads of tears in my eyes and mascara running down, no doubt that tom saw it. i really like him i mean he's cute but i'm a mess, i could never be with him. i realised that every single time i'd walk past my brother he realised what's happening to me and didn't try stop me. he knew i wouldn't come back.

and now honestly i don't wanna be in this fucked up town, fucked school and shitty home. i think i'm actually gonna run away. maybe away from my home life but still text my brother and tom and bill and gustav. because seriously i don't wanna deal with this anymore, i love my brother and love my friends and i love tom. especially tom. i have no sympathy for my parents, god not even respect honestly every time in there i only get screamed at i doubt i'll get any care back. like they probably don't even realise that i'm gone forever now.

i really don't want to leave everyone behind but i just feel like it would be better for me. i think i might just go to my grandmas house and stay there but it's like a 2 hour walk but fuck it. i might aswell. i know short cuts i just need to bring everything and write notes to tom and georg, not to forget bill and gustav. honestly they always cared for me. i might actually loose myself without them but i'm already lost.

right now i'm a day sober from alcohol so i might just aswell write a letter to them. i have quite a bit of money cus i stole from my parents, like they are loaded but choose to speak it on alcohol and drugs and cigarettes.

i have about €40.75 right now as i stole it a few days ago and i know how to save money. i went into some shop and got bought a pen and a book. i'm thinking while i'm at my granny's i could just write a little diary. anyways i'm gonna start writing toms letter first. god it's gonna be hard to let go.

toms letter:

𝖣𝖾𝖺𝗋 𝗍𝗈𝗆，
𝖭𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗀𝖾𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝗈 𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎． 𝗂 𝗀𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝗌𝖺𝗒 𝗂𝗆 𝗌𝖼𝖺𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝗁𝗎𝗁． 𝗂 𝗆𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝖾𝗅𝗅 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀， 𝖺 𝖿𝖾𝗐 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗌 𝖺𝗀𝗈，𝟣𝟣 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝖾𝗑𝖺𝖼𝗍 𝗂 𝗀𝗈𝗍 𝗋𝖺𝗉𝖾𝖽 𝖻𝗒 𝗆𝗒 𝖽𝖺𝖽． 𝗂𝗍 𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖽𝗈 𝗆𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝖻𝖺𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾．𝗂 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗆𝖾，𝗂 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝖽𝗈 𝗐𝖾𝗅𝗅 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗎𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝖺𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗀𝗎𝗂𝗍𝖺𝗋，𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗀𝖾𝗍 𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝗒𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗂 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗒𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖻𝗂𝗍 𝗌𝖺𝖽 𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗆𝖺𝖽𝖾 𝖿𝗎𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺 𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗒 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗈𝗅𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗁𝗈𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗅𝗒 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖺 𝗆𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗁．𝖽𝗈𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗀𝖾𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂 𝖽𝗈𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎． 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖻𝖺𝗅𝖻𝗅𝗒 𝗀𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖺 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝗂𝗌𝗁𝖾𝖽 𝗉𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗂𝖼𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝖼𝗁 𝗆𝖾𝖺𝗇𝗌 𝗂𝗆 𝗀𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖺 𝖻𝖾 𝗀𝗈𝗇𝖾．𝖽𝗈𝗇𝗍 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗈𝗋 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝗀𝗈 𝖽𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝖺𝗍𝗁 𝗂 𝖺𝗆 𝗀𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀，𝖻𝖾 𝗄𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝗆𝖺𝗓𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗅𝖺𝖽𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗐𝖾𝗅𝗅．𝗇𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗈𝗇𝖾𝗌 𝖿𝖺𝗎𝗅𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖾，𝖻𝗒𝖾 𝗍𝗈𝗆．