Whatever, Cowboy.

Overthinking_16

❗Author's Note❗ This chapter deals with overthinking, Eating Disorders, and suicidal thoughts. If ANY of these make you uncomfortable, please skip this chapter (It's just a filler that gives more depth to Austin).

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"Yes, of course. I'll see you tomorrow before you leave. Be good, Champ." Austin's father agreed, releasing Austin from his hug and leaving the room. Austin stood still for a moment, thoughtless, before plugging his phone into the charger and grabbing his shower towel.

"Be good. Why would I need a reminder to be good?" Austin thought, still hostile and aggressive. He threw the towel onto a hook by the shower wall as he whipped around to face the mirror. "What I should be reminded of is to lose this gut. I mean, how am I supposed to be an agile football player if I'm not on my diet anymore? And what about training? I'll be sore from walking up some stairs. Pathetic. Since when did I value myself this lowly?" Austin stopped at this question as his eyes drifted toward his reflection's own. "Since when did I not see myself anymore?" He whispered out loud, his chest heaving in fear of conclusion. Austin couldn't see himself. He couldn't see his smile; And his eyes. He hated his eyes, so longing. So weak. Not to mention his stomach, where had his abs gone? His toned torso, now boxy and plump in his eyes. Disgusting. His hands were the real disgusting thing. Fat fingers with skin practically hanging off his wrists. His wrists, like blubber. His skin in general; Disgusting and covered in oil.

Austin wasn't happy with his body at all. When did this happen? He went from being proud of his body, to hating his scar, to hating everything he had. His face twisted and turned in hatred. Should he even be here at all? Who would miss him? Who would save him if he tried? How much would it hurt the few who would care? Is he the only one that feels this way? Does he just need sleep? How would he do it? Is quick and painless easier or would it be better to wait out his death? How would Arizona feel? How would Tyler feel? Austin couldn't look at his body anymore, he wiped his eyes and quickly shuffled to the shower. The water drowned out his mind, the warmth surrounding him, clinging tightly to his insecurities. He knew the moment he got out and saw his body again, he'd hate it. Austin's eyes raged open at his horrible thoughts, his legs bucked from under him, and he scrambled silently to the shower floor. His eyes racing as he tried to process his murder being splattered behind his eyelids, all the details pointed out easily. When did this happen? Why was he so deep into this? Austin was scared. He was terrified of what he would do to himself if given the chance. He didn't want to hurt himself that bad, did he? No, he just wasn't happy with his body! That's all, he just wouldn't eat as much! He'd slim back down to before and he'd be happy with himself again.

Unfortunately, even after a week his mentality hadn't changed. He wasn't even happy while he hung out with Tyler. He got his driver's license thinking it would help and make him feel accomplished but it still didn't work. Austin wasn't losing weight, he wasn't comfortable with himself, and he started wearing more loose clothing to cover it all. He felt hopeless, nothing was fun anymore. His face started resting in an unhappy position instead of a slight smile like it used to be. Arizona hadn't found out yet, thankfully, but he could tell she was close. She started saving Austin's dinner when he barely touched it, she'd get him candy from the store and he'd act as if he was going to eat it by taking it to his room but he didn't intend to eat. Austin hadn't eaten a proper meal in 4 days and he felt fine. He even felt more energetic than normal. He knew it wouldn't last but at least for now, he felt like he had some control over it. Over his weight. Over his insecurities. He had control over himself. In Austin's eyes, everything was pudgy and in surplus. Austin stopped going for late night runs, he stopped drinking soda, he stopped sitting outside. His sleep schedule was trashed and his friends stopped talking to him as often. Austin didn't feel real, he didn't feel like himself anymore.