✅ Younger Twin [NaNoWriMo2023]

29 - Choosing Our Path

This bonus chapter is dedicated to Ross. Thank you for all your support!

"We'll do whatever we can to help you," Taylor said. "You can find the bits of Tristan that you need, and use them to help Triana grow. Can't she?" She turned to Maxwell then, and a little confusion in his expression made her wonder if the psychiatrist didn't know quite as much of Triana's plan as she had thought. This was the first chance she'd had to properly talk to the professionals about her sister's mysterious desires, and was feeling a little surprised to find that she wasn't the only one in the lounge who was mostly in the dark.

"Anyway," Dad said, giving the word some extra weight so everybody knew that he was bringing up something he thought was a big deal. "I've started worrying about Taylor. I know it makes sense to look at Triana, and what we're asking her to go through, but..."

"Yes," Pennington nodded, and turned to a new page on his clipboard before looking back and forth between us again. "I need to ensure that you are both comfortable in your new lives, and that nothing is making you uncomfortable. Taylor, is there something we need to ask?"

"I'm okay," Taylore answered. "I think I can cope, it's just..."

"If it's something you feel like you need to cope with, then we need to ask if there is anything we can offer so that you don't have to. We need to know, because if you have problems that reflects on us."

"Taylor?" Triana asked, taking her sister's hand. "You were upset before. You've been crying. I know how easy it would be just to say nothing's wrong, and to keep on pushing through on your own. That's what you always do, you've always been the strong one. But you shouldn't have to. I..." She hesitated there, and took a breath before continuing. "I'm your sister. I need to know what's worrying you. Please."

"I missed you," Taylor said, after a few seconds of silence. "When we started doing this, and you weren't in my room, I couldn't sleep. My brain was running on fumes for a week because I just wasn't sleeping without you there. I couldn't deal with not having my twin there, it's like losing a part of myself. You know?"

"I know," Triana said, and we hugged again. "I know, I've been the same. When I wake in the night and nobody else is there, it's so strange to feel alone. Like a part of me is missing, and I can only feel empty without you. But I... I try to remember that I'm supposed to be Tristan in the nursery. Giving him a name of his own really helped with that. So I can imagine Nik is my beloved twin, and cover up how much I need you for a while. Didn't you have a way..."

"We did think about that," Maxwell added. "We tried to give Taylor an alternate version of her life to imagine. Where Tristan and Nik are twins, and babies. Where she doesn't need anybody else, because she's the strong older brother. Is that fantasy making it easier to sleep? I thought you said–"

"That's the problem!" Taylor squeaked. And then she sobbed, and Triana just held her close, whispering without meaning, until she could calm down a little.

"That's the problem," she said again, but in a more normal voice this time. "Yes. I've been sleeping better. It's more than a week since I had a sleepless night from missing my sister, or even remembered that had been the problem. I can't miss her, can I, because I know that Tristan is Nik's twin. You've got me imagining this fantasy scenario where I'm the big sister, the one with all the power, and loving parents who take care of everything so I don't have to take responsibility until I'm ready, so I can go at my own pace. And in that fantasy, I can't worry too much about missing Triana, because she isn't a part of that reality. Not as herself."

"I'm not sure I–" Dad started, but quickly stopped when he noticed that Maxwell and Pennington were both deep in thought.

"It's not like that's a bad thing," Taylor said again. "It means I don't worry. But then when Triana is back with me, when I can step out of the fantasy and see the real world, it's terrifying. The fact that I can imagine a version of me who is fine without having you there. It's like a betrayal of everything I know about myself. It's like I've turned my back on you. And yeah, it's only within that fantasy, like it's a version of me that exists in a hypnotised dream. But I don't want to believe I could even imagine a me like that. It's... weird. I mean, what you said about different windows to look at yourself through... It's like I've got a different perspective on myself, and it's shown me a side of me that I want not to be there."