Unexpected Love

Dreams and Family

Sanem couldn't believe how good it felt to write again. She brought her journal and walked down to the sea and settled in for the day. It was starting to warm up and she loved the feel of the wind in her hair and sand in her toes. It had been far too long since she allowed herself this indulgence.

Italians call it "dolce far niente". The sweetness of doing nothing. It always made her feel so guilty on so many levels. Her grief counselor, Wendy was repeatedly telling Sanem that guilt was a normal part of grief but if she allowed it to consume her life, it would soon consume her heart and mind completely. 

She had to allow herself moments in life that brought her joy. So that's exactly what she was going to do today.

She realized after a few hours that she was smiling. A lot. She hadn't done that in a long time either. What had changed? It didn't take long for her smile to widen at the thought of Can. 

She was uncomfortable admitting it but Can was the only thing different in her life. Suddenly, the guilt came back like the waves of the sea and her smile disappeared. 

I'm so sorry, Nicolas! I'm so sorry. I won't think about him. This isn't right. I shouldn't feel this way. It won't happen again. I promise.

Sanem really needed to speak to Wendy soon. She had missed her last appointment because of work so she sent an email before she left the coast. Her heart heavy, she picked up the blanket, journal and water.

It was hard to put into practice what Wendy suggested. She shouldn't be happy, right? She should be grieving. She was a widow, after all! Nicolas was gone and her thoughts should be on him and him only. Wouldn't he have wanted and expected that? 

They were married for 6 wonderful years. He was her true love and he was the one who made her feel beautiful, wanted and desired, strong and confident. He always made sure she felt safe and secure. He brought out in her talents that were hidden even from herself.

Creating this business was mostly his idea but Sanem loved being a part of his dream. It became her dream too. They had worked so hard to bring it to life and Sanem would give up everything and anything to continue Nicolas' dream. 

She owed him that and so much more. It was harder than she thought to do this alone and some days she dreamed of leaving it all and traveling and writing. But she would never do that to Nicolas. To his dream..to their dream.

They were gloriously in love. From the day he asked her to go to prom, she was smitten. He always looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She had shared with him her dreams of traveling and living in some exotic place like the Galapagos Islands and writing books about her life and adventures. 

He would encourage her to write and she did. She filled journal after journal. She had been doing that for as long as she could remember.

But she wrote less and less during their years in college. The class load was demanding plus trying to find time for each other. Then getting married and "adulting" pretty much ended any free time for her to write. 

And once the business was up and off the ground, it was non-existent. When she lost Nicolas 3 years earlier, she never thought she would write again. He was all of her words, all of her love, all of her thoughts.

Can was just a distraction, Sanem told herself. A momentary, lovely distraction. She heard her phone ping with a notification from Wendy that she had a last minute cancellation if she was free in about an hour. Sanem emailed back her confirmation.

Wendy's office always made Sanem feel like she was sitting at a friend's home, sipping on coffee, smelling the calming vanilla candle and relaxing on the cozy sofa.