A Soldier's Secret

Part 26

I don't remember the operation. I can't recall the pain of Furn's blade sinking into my skin, but I can recall the look of focus on his face, from the reflection of a piece of equipment. I can recall the exact size and shape of the tools he used and the furrow of his brow.

I counted each breath I took and each blink. I counted single strands of hair, and when the droplet of my blood trickled down my neck, it plinked into my lap. Furn didn't stop, and I trembled as he worked. I sat as still as possible, I clenched my fists to keep from flinching.

Furn mumbled while he worked "Have to avoid- How did he manage-" I only caught snippets, but he still talked while he worked. Nobody entered or exited while he did, and I could only assume the door was locked. I heard Danger stir, once. But he didn't wake or pretend not to. Furn kept working, and even as his blade bit deeper into my flesh, I didn't feel it. Or I did, and it made me think of the incident...

I stood, looking at the void where it used to be. The mirror didn't lie, but I wanted to. It was another reason to hide

"Don't worry" Benny said "It'll be fine" He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear

"How can it be fine?" I asked

"It just will be. You're still you" He smiled and turned my head toward him "It doesn't matter. The replacement is the same green as the real one. No one will be able to tell."

But when it arrived, it wasn't green. It was cold and black, hard and unreal.

"Cedar?" Furn asked.

"What?" I snapped

"It's out," He said. My hands flew to my helmet and crammed it on my head. It was hidden again. He might know my first secret, but the second will never come out. I sent a silent thank-you to Tech, who built me the only reason it's still hidden. Then, my fingers found a bandage where the chip had been, confirming its removal. The object itself was sitting on a table, bloody and mangled. I picked it up, trying to fathom how such a tiny thing wreaked so much havoc. I crushed it in my fist and dropped the remains in the garbage. Furn was going to say something, but I marched out the door, pausing only for a moment

"Thanks," I said "Appreciate it"

He didn't say anything

I marched to the detention cells, and the only active one told me where Kelish was. I could bet he was bound and gagged, so I checked for a patrol and sat down.

"Hi, Kelish" I sighed "I know you're in there. I wouldn't be talking to you otherwise, but...I want to talk about the gorge. I'm pretty sure that, well, everything that led to this moment was my fault" I tilted my head against the wall "And, when others die during a fight, or I see someone get hit, all I can think about is the gorge, and how I can smell the scent of burning flesh, and I'm so certain it my fault, because, I hesitated to pass on the order to get out of the trench, and that gave them the split second they needed to blow the bottom out" I added "Everything was my fault"

"None of it was" Kelish said "You were exhausted. I pushed you too far to scout further as the days got worse. If anything, it was bad planning on my part"

"I really needed that, Kelish" I could feel tears welling up "I needed someone to talk to" I leaned against the wall of his prison and cried. For the first time since Benny's death, I cried. Not sobbing, but tears still dripped from my eyes. With a thunk, I knew that Kelish was leaning against the wall too. We cried together, alone in the dark.

I must have fallen asleep sometime. I checked the time, and I realised that I had been there for over an hour. I got up, clenched my fist, and made for the nearest vent. 

I sat in a vent junction, cursing myself. I released emotions, my sworn enemy. And I had shared them with Kelish, of all people.

Why had Kelish been imprisoned so harshly? Right, two Jedi couldn't beat him. He was always powerful, and none knew that as well as I did. He was unorthodox for a Jedi, instead of putting emotions aside in battle, he used them like batteries. They fueled him, and in turn, he was capable of making rational decisions because of it. He was strong, well-mannered, and smart.

Did I fall for him? Maybe a tiny bit. 

Then it dawned on me. Why Benny and he quarreled so much. Kelish fell in love with me, and Benny was trying to protect me. They kept blocking each other, competing. How was I so stupid about that? It happened for years under my nose. I broke out in stifled laughter as I realised, and my comm buzzed

"Cedar? Where are you?" Error asked

"Nowhere, Error" I spat

"You're in a vent?" She guessed 

"Screw you!" I said, then stopped talking. I turned on a recording, and I remembered the simple times when Benny and I were shinies, waiting for our turn at the front.

I was a few minutes into the recording when the image flickered dead. Data corrupted, it read.

"Ugh!" I groaned and tried a different one. Almost every single one I tried had been corrupted, some even from an outside source. "But only Tech has access to the settings in my helmet," I thought "Not the recordings" 

But Tech knows about everything. He auto-tuned my helmet and built the special addition so that I could hide. 

Did Tech shut all of this down? I can't tell, Tech's been off with his batch doing stuff, not near me. My camera and mic were closed-circuit, and only he had the key, and even then, it needed to be plugged into a device to be accessed.

So who corrupted my data? I smacked the side of my head, and it did nothing. Usually, that works in realigning whatever went wrong. 

"Don't tell me it's malfunctioning" I groaned "Then I have to replace it, and that means telling people why I need a replacement..." Why did I have so many secrets? Why was it always me who ended up with all the secrets and lies and hidden truths? I need to find out where Tech went. I need his help.

After a few seconds, the database was in front of me, and I opened the listings of missions in the last two months. I searched keywords, trying to find him. When I do, I find he's busy on Coruscant. 

"Goddammit!" I threw my hands up

"Cedar, you've been mumbling for nearly fifteen minutes now. What's going on?" Error asked

"SCREW YOU!" I shouted, then shut down my comm. I cussed my head off for a few minutes, then made my way to exit the vents.

I passed the mess, the med bay, and found myself above the barracks. I looked if anybody would see me, then jumped down. I sat alone and tried the recordings again, to the same result.

"Cedar" It was Error, in the doorway "Can we talk to you?" Behind her was Danger and the rest of her batchmates.