Anatomy of Love (Complete)

Chapter 23

The room was in silence except for the soft murmurs of the AC and clicking of the wall clock.
"Rishab, you have to talk." Pritha finally said.

They were at her chamber. She sat on her chair with a notebook on her lap and a pen in her hand. Rishab sat on a grey couch, leaning to the back.
"You know everything. You know what had happened to me. I have already told you what's going on with me. What else is there to share?"
"Rishab, mujhe tum se suna hai. Why don't you share what you felt that day?"

Rishab looked at her, "Ecstatic! Exhilarated! Goli khane mein bada maja aya. C'mon Pritha!"
Pritha smiled, "Your sense of humor is intact, good."
Rishab smiled back.
Pritha nodded, "Okay, let's talk about something else. You said you don't sleep much. Why? Do you think of something?"
Rishab looked at her, "Not really."
"Then?"

Rishab shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know."
"Hmm.. nightmares. You accepted that you get nightmares. And after this incident, it has been regular. Do you think you are scared to sleep because of them?"
"Maybe.. I am not sure."
Pritha wrote down something and then asked, "What do you see?"

Rishab was silent. He looked outside the window. Pritha waited patiently for him to speak.
"I see her.. Mom. She.. dies and I stand by the door helpless." He finally replied.
Pritha scribbled on her notebook and then asked, "Can you tell me what was going on in your mind when you saw your mother that night?"
After a long pause, he said, "Scared."

Pritha asked, "Today when you think about it, what emotions do you feel?"
He was silent again for a long time. He sat up, leaned to the front. With his hands clasped together, he said, "Upset, angry."
"Why angry?"
Rishab clenched his teeth, "He could have saved her but instead he pushed her to do it. Why couldn't he care for her? Why?"
A lone tear escaped his eye.

Pritha asked again, "Do you feel guilty? Tell me, Rishab."
He took a deep breath and said, "I don't know. I am just angry. On him, on her, on everyone."
Pritha said, "You are angry at yourself, Rishab. Have you really thought about it?"

He stared at her as she continued, "You are suffering from guilt. You feel you could have saved her. That thought is causing the outburst, the anger in you. Yes, you are angry at your father for driving your mother to the verge of killing herself. You are angry at your mother for abandoning you. At the same time, you are angry at yourself for your inability to help her, save her."
He just gazed at her.

"Rishab, I have told you in the previous session that you have to forgive your parents for what happened. But first you need to forgive yourself for her death. You aren't responsible. Tum kuch nahi kar sakte the. You were just a kid then. You couldn't have saved her."
Rishab's eyes were red, they glistened with tears. He rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair.

Rishab looked exhausted, he said, "I think I am done for today. I feel tired. Can I go now?"
"Hmm..How much sleep are you getting these days? Are the medications working?"
"Yes. Pritha, I want to go."

Pritha smiled, "No one is stopping you, Rishab. Just tell me the truth. You aren't taking the medicine, are you?"
"They make me clumsy in the morning. I can't work after taking them." Rishab replied. "I am here na, taking therapy. I don't need the medicines, trust me, I am feeling better."

Pritha handed him a prescription, "I am the doctor here, let me decide that. Take these, one in the afternoon and one before you sleep. And no drinking."
Rishab took the sheet of paper, "I am not drinking. Pata nahi kab last pee thi? I have forgotten its taste."
"Good. You don't need to. Rishab, next session pe Khushi ko le ke aana."
"Why? Usse bhi therapy dogi kya?"
Pritha smiled, "Rishab, maine bola bas, leke ana, okay."

Rishab was standing by the balcony of his apartment. He was thinking about what Pritha had told him.
Forgive yourself.
But how could he? He was there and he couldn't even scream to stop her. He could have done something, maybe gone inside the room instead of falling asleep outside. He could have done something.