Anatomy of Love (Complete)

Chapter 34

Ryan was confused.
“You lived here. You were brought here. I just don't get anything that you are saying. This is a rehab of some sort, then.. that makes you an addict. Were you an addict?”
“Aren't we all?”
Both looked up to see Amol Parikar standing holding a tray.

He smiled and put it on the table. Rishab picked up two cups of tea, gave one to Ryan and held on to the other one.
Amol sat down, “Dr. Ryan D'Souza, do you believe that people are addicted only to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol? No, we all get addicted to things that we think aren't dangerous but they are. No, I am not talking about smartphones, gaming devices or even eating. Worrying, overthinking, work and even people.”

“Ryan, call me Ryan. I get what you want to say. Addiction is something that we can't stop ourselves from doing. Something that we get dependent on. I just want to know about my friend here. Woh yahan kyun aya tha?”
“My addiction is my past.” Rishab replied.
Amol said, “Rishab, I think you should start from the beginning. He needs to know.”

Rishab took a deep breath and he started narrating.

“After I left the house, I roamed around the city aimlessly. I had no idea where I wanted to go. All I knew was that I had to get away from this city, that took everything away from me. I came across a bus stop and I took the first bus I saw. The bus reached Goa.
What better place to drown your sorrows! Right?

I decided to stay there. I rented a place and I started playing guitar at the local shack. I used to sit for hours on the beach. I used to drink to forget everyone but nothing really helped.

Sea was soothing. It tried its best to take away my pain, heal what was broken. But I was perhaps beyond repair, so I stayed miserable.

I used to see ads in the newspaper asking me to return home. I knew it was you. I wanted to call you but I didn't. I knew you would make me return back.

A few months later, I saw a video of Dr.Raghuvir Khurana with his family. It was a charity event. He looked normal, happy even, unbothered by my disappearance. The feeling that you don't matter, that you don't exist for your own father kills you. No matter how aware you are of the fact, it hurts you.

And I saw her too. She wasn't the old cheerful person. I knew she missed me but I was too angry to see that. Her smile made me angrier.

Anger makes you blind, it takes away the power to think. I had started drinking early that day. I bought some weed thinking it would help me. I came across a group who were taking some kind of drugs. They offered me some. Drugs and rage had taken away my thinking ability. I took it. That was a grave mistake.

I started feeling nauseated. My heart palpitations were high and I had a seizure. I had OD on the combination of synthetic drugs, weed and alcohol.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital two days later. I didn't care for what had happened to me. I really didn't feel like living.

That day, someone came to meet me. She was the one who had brought me there. She understood what was going on in my head. She knew I wasn't suicidal but I had lost the reason to live.

She talked about her life. Her pain had stopped her from living. Then she came across people who had suffered far more than her. And that's the truth, we feel our pain is so deep but if we look around we can see people going through worse. They still smile. They know their life is precious and they don't let their pain stop them from living. She had started seeing happiness in small things after this realization. Bringing smiles to other people's faces became a goal of her life. She asked me why couldn't I do the same?

That got me thinking. She reminded me of Mom. She dedicated her life to people. She was happy until she started thinking about her own pain. She lost her battle to her emotions.  She lost her aim in life. And for that I blamed her. I couldn't end up like her. That would be hypocrisy. I wanted to get out of this self-loathing and find my way to live again.