I'll Be Right Here Forever

authors notes both old and new

oh my god!!

wow ok. um. hi. ahh!!

know ill be right here forever is finally completed. for those who have read this through, thank you truly.

the idea of this came from my own struggles and side effects of depression. I used Michael because saw myself in him watching the Broadway adaptation of be more chill. killing him off was very much just me, killing myself off. I wanted to see if it made me feel better.

originally this story was supposed to go in a completely different direction. after listening to "The Goodbye Song" i wanted to make a cute little sendoff short story of Michael, Jeremy, and the rest of the gang going off to college and balancing their lives from there, but my heart and state of mind weren't in the right place for that. after listening to George Salazar's cover of "Broadway, here I come" my mind was set on what exactly i wanted the story to be.

while writing the last three Michael chapters, i read pages upon pages of entries from people that have lost people from suicide. i remember one of them saying that their friend told them that they were to be taking their life and to summarize they said "i chose not to stop them. when people choose to commit suicide, they're not asking you to change their mind. they're letting you in one last time, to say goodbye." i wanted to incorporate this into Michael's depression chapter. i felt it was right for Evan, Connor, Jared, and Lydia to say it to him- them coming from experience, rather than someone like rich.

someone asked me once why i skipped around so much with Jeremy's chapter, and the answer is simple. i don't want to write about how from the moment he wakes to the moment he lays, Jeremy mopes about Michael. it's repetitive and unattractive. (aha)

no but really. i didn't feel the need to include everything Jeremy goes through, in the same sense i did with Michael. in this, Michael is our main character, Jeremy is simply a side character. like Rich, like Lydia, like Genevieve. Jeremy's life isn't important until he fights with Lydia, Connor, Evan, and Jared. until he fights with Christine, causing their divorce. until his dad dies. until he loses everything and is left with nothing. until his final breath. Jeremy is simply a pawn in someone else's life.

if Jeremy is nothing more than a pawn why include his point of view at all?

cause and effect. i originally planned to stop writing once i reached his goodbye song. after all, why make your chapters countdown to something if that's not where you are to stop. but does the universe stop just cause you're worn and tired? unfortunately no. it keeps going. his goodbye song offers a small peek into the world, and broken souls Michael has left behind. but that doesn't mean the suffering ends.

i chose Jeremy because he's Michael's other half. they're best friends. yes. Michael might have Connor, Evan, Lydia and Jared. but the bond Jeremy and Michael have is unmatched. it wouldn't make sense for anyone other than Jeremy to have the final countdown. the last ticking time bomb.

but this story wasn't just the death of Jeremy and Michael and the rest of the hearts and souls that were crushed along the way. this is also the death of my former self. of my teenage years.

with me turning 20 (!!!!) just around the corner, i have come to terms with needing to kill off the very part of me that had me in a deep depression. writing has always been an outlet i used as a cry for help and a way to tell others how i was feeling. i could never get myself to write something cutesy. something that didn't require so much loud noise in the back of someone's head.