The Care and Keeping of Humans

Part One: Chapter One (Section 1 of 2)

Breeds

Hello again! In this chapter, I will discuss the different breeds of humans. Now, there are many different types of humans. Hundreds, actually. But I have narrowed down the list to a much smaller number. Books about specific, small breeds should be available at your local common pet shop, you only have to ask!

Chapter One: Caucasians

Caucasians are a very diverse group, or at least they like to think they are. They are the chihuauas of the humans: small and not very important, but somehow manage to be on top. I will first explain the characteristics of female caucasians.

Females, as a rule, are very high maintenance. This is the reason why many galactic hot-shots keep them as pets. They are status symbols, because of the amount of time and money put into them. some females, however, are low maintenance, but they aren't as common. Many of these females need constant attention. However, in their teenage years, (about 9 human years) it can be tricky. They become hormonal, and unpredictable. at one moment, they are happy and at peace with the world. At the next, they wish to be left alone and become depressed. However, and this goes for all females from all breeds now, buying them new things can fix their sour mood. CAUTION: the buying business can be very tricky and potentially make the situation worse if you don't bring them with you to the store. Especially clothing. Especially clothing.

"Shopping" with females can be a good experience, if done correctly. A list of do/do nots follows:

DO take them with you, if you can. Some places willl sell special human clothing.

DO give them money to go to the pretzel stand.

DO NOT simply give them a 20 and leave. That will 1. piss them off, and 2. never be enough

DO set a money limit with them before going

DO NOT strictly enforce aforementioned money limit. A female who is denied something wil get bitchy/sullen. Not good.

DO NOT go in the undergarment section with them. It will be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

DO let them "hang out" at the food court. Quite simply, what they are doing when they are looking around in there is looking for a mate. If she does not find one in a suitable amount of time, or deems them all ugly, she will want to leave on her own.

DO NOT answer them if they ask whether they look fat in something they have tried on. This is subjective, however. Some females prefer honesty to evasion. Only spending time with your female will tell you which they prefer.

DO wear comfortable shoes, but do not tell them to wear comfortable shoes. The reason she is wearing those ridiculous 6" heels and booty shorts goes back to the food court issue.

If the shopping trip is a success, the female will show their affection for you for weeks, or until she has worn all her new clothes already.

Caucasian females (or girls) also like to have their hair dyed. This is a mystery to most, but the answer is really very simple: Girls are almost never satisfied with what they already have. That statement right there could be the single most important one to keep in mind when caring for your girl. The same goes for having their nails done, buying makeup, and pretty much just buying anything for them.

Alll this maintenance may have you running away as fast as you can from this breed: but they have a few redeeming qualites. As a rule, caucasian girls are quietly affectionate. They are one of the most quiet kinds you can get. And they are extremely loving.