I can't take this anymore
I'm so sick of being broken
But functioning just enough to seem to not need help
I'm sick of not understanding stuff
I'm sick of feeling stupid
I'm sick and tired of being constantly reminded that I'm different
That I'm broken
That there something inherently wrong with me
It feels like I'm constantly in this endless cycle of always chasing the next hit of dopamine
Then falling to a new low and being absolutely paralyzed
Unable to even care for myself
It feels like all my attempts to get help
are forever in vain
Because I seem like I'm doing ok
Because I seem to have my shit together
After all I've finally lost weight 🙄
But I feel so small and even cold,
Not just physically but mentally, emotionally
I know it may sound stupid
But I don't know how else to explain it
I know that what's wrong with me is permanent
I know my conditions are chronic
And they have no cure
I accept they will never have a cure
But deep down I feel inadequate
I feel ..... hopeless
I feel like nothing I do will ever be enough
And maybe I don't deserve to heal
All this work
All this effort to work on myself
To finally figure myself out
To finally accept every part of me
Feels at least partially
Like a huge waste of time
But I keep telling myself
That things will get better
That some day I might just get a diagnosis
I might just get a glimmer of hope
I might just get the help I never knew to ask for
The help I never knew existed
But till then I'll settle for a lie
A false reality I've made in my head
As I gaslight myself repeatedly
As I "should be able to do this"
-DeJay
