The Family Lokison (Part 4)

Being Lokison (NARVI)

What was the point of trying to sleep when all I ever dreamt was the same empty white room I did at home, only worse? Instead of standing on my own in a void, monsters screamed and growled in all directions, plotting to destroy all that was good in the universe. And what was the point in sharing these things with Vali, or with Father, or with Mum, when none of them would believe me?

Vali said he was growing tired of following Modi around every day, but he never suggested any better ideas. I thought getting closer to Modi would make his father seem less terrifying; even though Thor smiled at us whenever we met, I couldn't shake the feeling that his kind face was a mask. No one that huge was harmless.

Vali was even more afraid of him than I was and squeezed my hand whenever Thor was close. I took all the flutters from his stomach whenever I could. He was the strong one between us, after all. Other than Thor, I don't think Vali feared much of anything.

Mum and Father were worse for wear. They pretended to be fine—excited, even, to be in Asgard—but I felt their fear the same way. Mum swept hair off my forehead, and I felt it. Father grazed my hand at the supper table, and I felt it. Every touch surged through me like a wave of emotion overflowing from their own reserves. After the first few days, I found myself pulling on the long sleeves of my new black tunic and hiding my hands as if I was cold. If they didn't touch me, I could pretend things were fine alongside them.

Mum made sure Vali and I were together constantly, and I wanted to be alone for the first time in my life. Solitude wasn't the same as loneliness, and I craved silence. Peace. A chance to find answers for the thousands of questions that continued to grow every day as I eavesdropped on anyone in range. It was almost a good thing that Modi's lessons and routines weren't interesting to me; the people around him were a different story, and listening to them helped me understand why we'd been brought to Asgard in the first place.

Some talked about safety—a shelter under the palace would hold any refugees from the other realms. Refugees from what, I still wasn't certain, but I had no doubt it would be obvious soon enough. Whispers of what was to come...whispers of something the adults called Ragnarok...it was why they were afraid. All of them. Every adult in the palace had the same distant emptiness in their eyes whenever they thought no one else was watching. They disconnected from reality to survive their thoughts and fears of the future.

But...what was in the future? War? Sickness? Monsters? It seemed a combination of them all, nonspecific as a whole. Just that word. Ragnarok. Mum refused to define it and always said, "Later, my loves. Don't worry your innocent mind and heart over something none of us can control."

Everywhere we went, I felt fear, but no one could take mine from me the way I seemed to absorb it from everyone else. I needed some kind of distraction.

Modi's secret library was exactly what I was hoping for.

After Vali claimed the black one about Frost Giants, I hoped to find something to help Mum relax—anything that we might read together. Since being in Asgard, our nightly routine of shared books hadn't happened; it was as good a reason as any to think it was why I had so much trouble sleeping.

"The biggest snake anyone's ever seen? Really?" I asked while staying on the floor as Modi climbed a golden ladder to reach higher shelves.

"Oh, yes. There's a legend about it up here." He waved me to join him. "You can help me look. The ladder will hold."

I shook my head. Heights always bothered me. "No, I'm alright. I don't know what I'm looking for anyway."

He'd already said I was a baby to Vali because the other book frightened me, but that didn't stop him from muttering it under his breath again. I hated that Modi called me a baby. I wasn't a baby. I just wasn't like him. I didn't like fighting. I didn't like wrestling. I didn't like heights or competing over nothing. I liked learning magic. I liked reading with Mum. Just because he didn't know what happened to his wasn't my fault.