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ততততত
You stare at the cliff where Charlotte killed herself. It seems like years ago. Like a different time. But, really, it's only been a few months.
You think back to that night. The night where everything went wrong. The night Murphy was banished, the night Charlotte jumped, the night Clarke and Bellamy became co-leaders.
The night where the world came crashing down. When the trauma of the first couple of days on the ground finally hit you. When Clarke came in and held you. The night where you stole a kiss, which led to much more.
The night where you fell hopelessly in love with Clarke Griffin.
But now, Clarke's gone. She's left to find herself, to find peace after pulling the lever in Mount Weather to save everyone.
To save you.
You don't blame her for leaving. Sacrificing hundreds of innocents to save a few would send anyone's mental health down the drain.
You and Bellamy relied on each other with Clarke gone. Supported each other, made sure you weren't falling completely off the wagon. But when Pike reared his ugly head, it all changed.
Bellamy ate up everything Pike fed to him, convincing him it's all the Grounder's fault. That the Grounder's are the bad guys.
But how can there be bad guys when there aren't any good guys?
And if there are good guys, then they're certainly not you.
You tried to talk Bellamy down. To talk him out of murdering the Grounders sent to protect us.
But all that did was drive him away. With Bellamy gone, you have no one.
No one but your mind.
Your mind screams at you that if you were a better friend, Bellamy wouldn't have gone off the deep end.
If you were a better partner, Clarke wouldn't have had felt the need to leave. To bear it all on her own.
Your mind is full of "if only".
With nothing left to live for, why even bother living? Your parents are dead. Clarke's gone. Bellamy hates you. Octavia doesn't care.
You have nothing. You have no one.
You step closer to the edge of the cliff and look down, your heartbeat slowing at the anticipation of the end.
Five steps and everything will be over.
You look out at the trees in the distance.
Four.
If you hadn't stolen that medication for your mother, you wouldn't have been sent down here to die.
Three.
If you hadn't been sent down here to die, you would never met have Clarke.
Two.
If you had never met Clarke, you wouldn't have fallen in love with her.
One.
And if you'd never fallen in love, you wouldn't be where you are now.
"(Y/N), stop!" You freeze, refusing to turn around.
It's a lie.
"Clarke?" you whisper, your voice cracking with the wind.
"(Y/N), look at me," her voice pleads. You shake your head.
"You're not real. This is a cruel joke."
"(Y/N), baby, I'm right here." Your heart screams for you to turn around, but you're rooted to the spot.
"How did you find me? Why are you here?"
"I came back to talk to Bellamy and to see you. But I couldn't find you. Bellamy said you hadn't talked to him in weeks. Miller saw you wandering out this way, so I came to find you. What are you doing?"
"Giving up." You hear her move closer to you and you shuffle toward the edge a little.
"Please, look at me."
It can't hurt to see something beautiful before you die.
You turn around, preparing yourself to see her one last time. Sadness and desperation crash in her eyes as she takes over your suffering form.
"(Y/N)," she whispers, tears falling down her cheeks. She holds out her hand to you but you can't take it.
You're so close to peace. So close.
"I can't, Clarke."
"You can! You have to. I can't do any of this without you."
"You left me!" you cry. The silence between you grows deafening. "I know what you did to save us, but what about everyone else who had to deal with things, Clarke? Bellamy helped you pull the lever. He has to live with the fact that he killed those people, too. And everyday I'm burdened with the reminder of what was done to save my life."
"(Y/N)—"
"All those innocent lives weren't worth mine, Clarke."
"Every life is worth yours! I'd do it all over again if it meant you were safe. If it meant you were breathing and not another body in the Reaper tunnels." You wipe your eyes, the wind whipping around your body harshly. "Come back with me. Please." You look back over the cliff, the battle in your mind raging harder than ever before.
You finally turn back to Clarke and take a tiny step toward her. Her relief turns to horror as the rocks beneath your feet crumble.
It all happens in slow motion. Your stomach drops, the wind picks up as you fall.
Clarke's horrified scream as she barely misses your hand.
And as you hit the ground, you remember the thought that had you pause the first time you thought about jumping.
If you don't pick the right height, you could still be alive when you hit the bottom.
