Ghostly premonitons

Writer's note

Hello everyone. This isn't really a part of the story. As of now, I don't know if I can continue it. Surely some day, I'll feel bad enough again. Maybe the one's who have read it have noticed that the characters feel different than they probably should. I wasn't so focused on making this a story about war and the cause. The characters may seem weak at times - maybe too emotional. The probably not so beautiful truth is that they are, because I am. Especially Ghost is not known for any emotion. Which is why I gave him parts of mine. I found the motivation to write this because I didn't feel well at all and I still don't at times. More often than not, I can also feel the numbness crawl up to me. I needed a vent and this was and maybe still will be it.
I know this wasn't something a lot of people would read if they ever found it because it's not what you'd expect from any of the characters.
I don't quite know where I'm going here...
It's been a challenge keeping up with everything, I can certainly tell you that.
Maybe this is the part where I should motivate whoever is reading this (So I guess myself?).
I wrote it once: Keep up your work, slap a smile on your face and you're good. If that's what you want to believe.
Make a difference, be kind to others and don't forget yourself in all of this. It's easy to loose yourself but hard to recover.
I'm not a philosopher by the way, it's just getting very late and I'm probably talking nonsense but I really don't care.
I guess some people are just damned to be unhappy or hurt for their entire lifes. I hope you're not one of them. Everyone says: You have the power to live the life you want.
That's a lie if I've ever heard one. If you think about it, almost everything is out of your power. But what you can do is try.
Giving up would be way too easy and I was never scared of challenges.
I know when I'm defeated. It's not far away, but I'm not yet there.
Anyways, I think I was explaining my choices of characters.
I gave my protagonist a lot of my thoughts and emotions. Often times not word by word, but with the same message. Roach was sort of all the people that support me. Great thing I got those people. One in particular, apart from family. She's never gonna read this anyway, so I might as well just say this: I have made the biggest mistake of my entire life so far not telling you how I felt. It still makes me think during the day and the night. I'm sorry I messed up. I'm grateful you're still there for me any time, even if it's different than I would have wanted it to be. You can't change the past. And I can't change the future.
Ben was my own creation. I know he didn't really seem that important but that's what makes him special. He's supportive but he does not take the stage. All the others really just fitted in the whole constellation. I wanted the "gang" to feel like a family. Not just mindless shooters.
I know my story telling isn't quite up there, in fact I think it's quite the opposite. Respects to all the people out there who can do that infinitely better than me.
Honestly, I didn't even intend to write something worth reading. I just needed somewhere to dump my thoughts (Said in the least disrespectful way to anyone or anything here).
And now I'm here and I'm out of words, except for:
Thank you.