Clato: The Cost of a Broken Heart

Chapter 23

1 Day to the Victory Tour

CLOVE

Tomorrow we leave for the Victory Tour. I am dreading it so much it gives me anxiety just to think about. How can I stand in front of the families of the children I killed and act like it was a pleasure to murder them? How can I prove to Snow that I am the monster he wants me to be? A few months ago I would have been able to pull of that act but now. . .I don't think I have it in me. Worst of all, I will be stuck on a confined train with Cato. Every moment will be watched and videotaped. Every move could mean disaster. On top of that, I haven't seen him since I tried to kill myself and I'm afraid he won't still care about the broken girl I've become. I'm afraid he'll see me differently.

Cordelia's prized shipment of clothes arrived but I haven't bothered to try anything on. Marian coaxes me to eat and enjoy the clothes but I refuse. I'm just glad she won't be on the train with us. I'll be Brutus and Enobaria's problem again.

Every night Marian knocks me out with the drugs. I hate them so much. Instead of feeling safe from the lack of nightmares, I have a fear they will overdose me and I will never wake up. I guess that means I don't want to die. Maybe I do, my head still skips around a lot. I guess, at the very least, I want to die on my terms.

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Brutus came over last week and I told him about my sister. "Look kiddo," he said gently, "there's only a 50% chance she's still alive." I just stared at him, I don't talk much nowadays, mostly inside my head. "The birth date on this certificate is two years before your parents were married. She was born out of wedlock."

In Two, there's a law against having children out of wedlock. They are considered property of the Capitol because there isn't an official couple designated to care for them. Ireland, my sister, was either shipped off to the Capitol, killed, or sent to the orphanages.

"Can you help me find out what happened to her?" I asked.

"I'll do what I can," he glanced up as if asking for help. I think he was talking to Mirren in his head.

After Brutus left I spent my time looking for more information about my parents and why someone would want them dead. I count my seconds between popping anxiety pills then continue sorting papers. When it gets dark, Marian plunges a needle in my arm.

It's not much of a life, which is fine, because I'm not so sure I like living.

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CATO

I was nearly ten years old the day Scarlet was born. I wasn't allowed in the hospital room, which is good because it scared me. After a while, a nurse dressed in blue came out to get me. My mother wasn't even holding her new daughter. Scarlet was being cradled by an uncomfortable looking nurse. Without asking, the nurse handed Scarlet to me and left. I stood and held her for hours while my parents ignored us. She had the most perfect green eyes and I couldn't help but think she was special. I'm not afraid of much but for those first few months I was terrified something was going to hurt her. That fear never really went away.

You see, Scarlet wasn't just any kid. When she was around four she started listing off the answers to a test I'd been studying aloud for. She had a photographic memory. Scarlet never forgot a thing. Maybe before the Capitol this wouldn't have been a big deal but I knew that if anyone found out, they would use her. So I never told.

Scarlet quickly learned how to blend in with regular kids but she was always odd. She hated the Games with a passion I couldn't understand. By age six she could beat me at chess. She was a genius and I couldn't have loved her more. I think the reason Scarlet cared about me is because I treated her like an equal and my own kid at the same time. When there were lightening storms she crawled into my bed, not our parents'. She never called them mom and dad, only mother and father.

One of the hardest things I had to do was say goodbye to Scarlet when I went into the Games. She understood why I had to do it, even if she never knew Ryan. She didn't even cry when I left because she was trying to be strong. What a waste. What a goddamn waste of a life.

Since Scarlet's death I've done nothing but fight. I'm so angry at everything. Now that Clove is out of the hospital I don't have anything to do during the day. I can't camp out by her house, obviously. I'm just hoping them releasing her means she's okay. I can't lose her too.

The worst part is, I'd understand if she killed herself. I know what it's like to lay in bed at night with a hole inside of you that can never be filled. I have my share of nightmares. But, as selfish as it is, I will not let Clove die. I need her. I still have hope for us.

To distract myself from Clove, I go to the fighting ring. I enter fight after fight until I am beaten from weariness. As soon as I can stand again, I shout, "Put me in the next one!" Josie shakes her head but agrees. Every few days Lincoln tells me,

"You're gonna get yourself killed, take a break." He's right, I can't walk right anymore, the bruises and cuts never have a chance to heal. I look like I've been mugged and everyone is too preoccupied with Clove to check on me. But I need to hurt because the pain consumes me. If I can't think through it I can't grieve for Scarlet or worry for Clove. Josie must see it in my eyes because she lets me fight until I'm unconscious every night.

Tonight, I survived six guys before being put down. It takes me three tries to get up the stairs to my bedroom. Tomorrow, Cordelia will collect me and I'm sure she'll have something to say about my appearance--especially the bruises and cuts that look like raw meat. Sometimes other people tell me to take it easy too, but I refuse. They tell me I'll never win in this state. They don't understand: I can't win. I will never win.

A/N Please comment and vote! Any predictions about the tour?